Stuck professor

Throwaway account. Not looking for advice, just need go vent.

I got tenure (professorship) at a dream university when I was very young. But it was in a city far away where I didn’t know anybody. For a few years it was fine. I bought an apartment and a dog. It was hard making friends at first, especially during covid, but I managed. I was single, dating on and off.

3 years ago, shit hit the fan. My grandfather died (old age). Both my dad and brother got sick within a month of each other other and almost died (unrelated diseases. Crazy, I know). My brother fully recovered, my dad is still slowly dying. My mom fell into a deep depression. I tried flying back and forth, supporting as much as I could. Then my sister gave birth to a baby (my niece), and I just feel like I’m missing out on everything at home.

I applied for any professorship at the university in my hometown that I could. They all rejected me, even though I had a better position at a more prestigious university. They only hire internal candidates, which is completely illegal but hard to prove. At one point, when they blatantly discriminated against a Black candidate I saw red and reported them. They blacklisted me as a result for not being a ‘team player’ (unofficially ofc, but, again, hard to prove). So I will never get hired there and it’s the only university remotely close to my family. I know, it was a choice I made. Essentially, I will have to give up my dream job AND career and work a miserable desk job I hate to be close to my family. And I’ve been soulsearching and don’t know if it’s what I want.

I found a partner in the city I live in the midst of all of this. We bought a house together and I thought I would feel better if we could make our own family. He escalated into violence very quickly after we bought the house and I escaped. It cost a LOT of money to buy and sell so quickly and now I can’t even afford an apartment like the one I had before we met. All of my friends in the city left me after the DV. Not because they were his friends, but because I probably wasn’t so fun to hang out while I was navigating women’s shelters, dealing with lawyers and and realtors. I don’t blame them, but it did hurt to find out I have no more friends in the city I live in.

I tried to come home more often since my job is flexible, but it’s almost impossible with my dog. He HATES travel, and practically the only way to get to my hometown is with a flight. He’s technically an inch too big to be in carry-on and being in cargo hold would completely traumatize him. We’ve almost been denied boarding because of his size several times, but the plane is only 1.5 hours and I really have no other options (no trains or buses go between the cities). I’ve tried anxiety meds with him, he still freaks out. He doesn’t mind staying with my friends when I’m gone for a week or so. I’ve been doing this lately to minimize the stress on him, but he’s now developed a very sensitive stomach and the last sitter just sent me a message saying she won’t take care of him anymore because he keeps crapping on her floor (again, totally understandable). So I feel like I can’t even go home to my family anymore without totally traumatizing my dog. And I’m of the mind that dogs are a lifelong commitment and I love him very much.

I’m home for xmas now but am dreading going back to work. I have no friends anymore. I’ll be spending NYE alone. There is literally nobody I can call or ask for help if there was an emergency. I’m going to have an operation in March probably, and I can’t even find someone to drive me to the hospital. I always feel burned, depressed, down. I just never imagined my 30s like this.

Sorry I’m being such a downer. It’s been a rough few years. (And yes I’ve tried therapy - about ten different psychiatrists and psychologists in the past eight years. They were almost all awful and I refuse to go anymore. On antidepressants as well, with good follow-up from my doctor. He’s amazing