This is how I feel rn and I needed to express it without the consequences

So I’m undecided on what I will do this week but something needs to change, I’ve gotten rid of some clothes today and taking loads to the charity shop tomorrow , trying to erase myself from existence tbh . I wrote this earlier and it’s where my heads at atm. This is the most actively suicidal and hopeless I have ever felt. I’m not sure if I’m going through some kind of episode or breakdown, I don’t feel mentally well.

I tried everything , now I am hopeless. I cannot do it again. There’s no where else to go.

The word hopeless doesn’t really summarise how painful it is to look at the world with empty eyes, the knowledge that the oasis isn’t real and it is a desert. It’s partly why I want to do this now, because I cannot think that damn oasis is real again.

It is ridiculous , I have everything but all I can think is what is the point? I don’t want to be here .

Nothing changes no matter where I am the cycle repeats.

The idea of success no longer keeps me going, what is success ? Everything is still the same. I am still the same, it’s worse really as life becomes so mundane .

I have been hoping the past few days that someone would do something to make me feel like this isn’t just a complete waste of time, open an avenue I haven’t thought of maybe I am being twisted and it gets better.

I have been thinking recently how I can see why people think this is insane . I remember how it used to feel, simple things. Driving home from the shopping center talking to my mum listening to Christmas music on the radio . It was mundaine but I remember feeling content because I was unaware of time passing, the reality that the radio solely exists to sell you things in the ad break, the Christmas songs the artists only made to make money, the presenters who don’t say what they feel they say what people want to think they feel. If they feel like that, then I can understand why this would seem crazy , I wouldn’t leave if life was like that now. Maybe when I go I feel like that again.

On Wednesday it’s all gonna be over . The cycle ends .

I am getting some whisky and I have some codeine , I’ll sit and watch the sunset, sorry to the person who finds me. I have tried to make this as harmless as possible.