why do i need to get scolded over this :(

i just want to vent. i recently had to move back close to my family after my previous partner abruptly dumped me. i am trying to get back on my feet and just take things slow. i can move around sometimes, run errands every now and then on a good day. but i also have bad days when everything really hurts and im too tired to BREATHE. there are times where it gets so bad that breathing feels like a heavy task. today i felt really weak, and i couldn't cook for myself, so i used my little energy to walk to my grandparents house (they live next door), and ask my grandma for food. but it got really bad today. a few hours being there and i started feeling more and more tired. so i just sat there focusing on trying to breathe slowly. it makes me feel helpless and desperate, quiet tears streaming down my face, i have never felt this frustrated. i really wanted to get back home, so i tried asking my grandfather for a cane if he had one so i could try to walk back home. but since i can't breathe, my voice was hardly audible. so my grandpa started yelling at me "speak up! i can't help you if you don't speak up!", i tried telling him i couldn't breathe but he kept yelling over me, not listening, telling me "i know you don't feel well but just imagine how i feel looking at you! can't i feel frustrated you don't make any effort!?". i started sobbing and got so nervous i started shaking, all while still trying my best to breathe. thankfully my grandma helped me walk back home, God bless her. but i just feel like a waste of space. i feel frustrated, i can't get a job, i can't do so many things by myself. i try to live one day at a time and do the best i can. but i feel so bad that my family treats me this way.

my dad calls me every week to scold me and tell me i need to do better because he wants a successful child and that "you need to grow out of this at some point, how are you going to get a job and live a normal life" (yeah, he's the stupidest person alive). scolding me because i always have the windows of my apartment partially closed because the light bothers me. in the last 3 months i have had to explain what CFS is over 30 times to this man, and his response is always the same. and every family member i try to explain my limitations, they tell me im pessimistic and that i'll never succeed in life. i consider myself to be very optimistic despite all the circumstances, and im only 22, my life is just starting, i know i'll find my success, somehow, at my own pace and within what im capable of doing.

(tw: mentions of self harm and suicidal thoughts, nothing graphic, though)

i hate how they bring me down over this, and treat me like this. i hadn't had suicidal or self harm thoughts in years ever since i cut them off. but now that im back with them, all i keep thinking is how much i wish i could die so they don't yell at me anymore, i wish i could express my pain by harming myself. i have been 3 years clean and im not letting them get to me, i don't want to fall for this harmful behavior again. but it's so hard, i want to live my life in peace. i want to do things at my own pace. if i want to be happy, i can't push myself. i know my limitations, and i can't do more than that. i just don't want my family to keep treating me like this. i just want them to understand me. i just want them to stop treating my existence like a burden :(