saving my own christmas

i go to a local university, am still living in my parents house and i feel so angry all the time when i’m there. even when i try to not engage, they move my things and don’t tell me so i have to ask. they grapple at anything, are incredibly invasive. this house has 4-5 bedrooms and yet i’m not supposed to go in two of them (“guest“ bedroom and a “yoga room” for my nmum that she never uses) let alone use any of them but mine, even as a study. their passive aggression and constant disregard for anything i say is killing me. they went away for 2.5 days a couple weeks ago and it was the calmest, most regulated and welcome i have felt in this house in months. i can’t study or focus, and feel like a rat scurrying along the skirting boards when they’re here. every disagreement gets blamed on me, and it’s never what my nmum does but it’s my reaction and emotions that is the issue. my nmum and my dad have historically used me as an outlet for stress, just in different ways. they isolated me from childhood and i’m only just breaking out of it this year. i’m very proud of myself but simultaneously getting a shorter fuse every month, because i am now able to face how utterly miserable and horrible the way they treat me is, and i self-gaslight much less.

i could write an essay on their abusive behaviour but the point of this post is that i’m focusing on planning various visits to my university library over the holidays and i’m really excited to use the campus when it’s mostly empty. knowing i can still access university and have a space to study and work on my assignments (and just relax) is amazing. i am not alone and they do not have their claws in everything i do. however, i am miserable here and constantly wishing they’ll ~disappear~ under my breath… but small wins! genuinely looking forward to these outings and to not be to angry at how unfair this is all the time. i usually dread holidays because there’s nowhere to escape to, but not this time. i just wish i could bring my dog with me lol.