enduring like hell rn

past few days been really horrible. i’m actually amazed at how bad things got so fast in so little time and to this extent. it’s my karma for sure. im not spiteful about it. there’s too much sadness going on for me to even be sad about it. all that has been on my mind was drinking again even though i’ve been sober close to a month now since my birthday, and before my birthday i was sober a good month and a half too. maybe i have a reason to drink now. i don’t really cry or make a reaction, or feel any weird emotional pain. i just feel bad. i’m telling myself this is a good time to drink and try to forget what happened, hopefully it works like that. but i don’t know if it’s worth it. i feel so bad man. it’s night time for me rn, ive endured a whole day of doing nothing but feeling bad and contemplating whether to drink or not. i think im gonna sleep. i dont know if this post is allowed on this subreddit. i’ve never used reddit before but i hope this place will have a better effect on me than my friends or myself do.

do you guys think its okay to relapse if i had a good reason to? i genuinely dont trust my gut anymore.