I think I’m transmasc

Hi, I’m an 18yr AFAB person.

I heavily questioning my gender identity at the moment and have been for several months now. I appreciate any advice you can give me.

So, to start off: I’ve always been a pretty feminine person. As a child. I loved dresses, skirts, high heels, dolls, the works. Once I reached 8 or so and got my first electronic device, I got super into video games and would play them with my sister (22yr) for HOURS.

At the same time as this, I was put into sports. At that time, my old town didn’t really have any women in things like football, wrestling, or anything like that. But, I joined regardless and was the only woman on those teams for a bit, at least until I dropped them since I got weird looks from all of the guys.

When I hit 12, that was when I first started having doubts about my gender. I always had the thought of “Man, why wasn’t I born with a dick?” floating around in the back of my head. I wrote it off at the time but I even had DREAMS around that time that I did! And also, at that time, my friends got super into makeup but I didn’t really want anything to do with it. I was more focused on gaming, writing, and art.

Once high school hit, I made some friends who were transmasc and I could always understand their problems really easily and gave the best advice I could. At the time, I thought it was just used to my weirdly high empathy. However, now I’m questioning if I understood them so well BECAUSE I’m like them.

All of this could have been written off as coincidence if not for one thing. See, I get hyperfixated on characters (AuDHD and all that…) and, without fail, all of them have been men. Transmasc or not, all of them have been men. I specifically enjoyed seeing them depicted as transmasc, and thought I was weird for doing so, but I just found it… comforting? Relatable? Idk, but it was something I liked and still do like.

My theory on why all of this is coming to a head now is because I moved away from my heavily religious town, across the country, into an entirely new area. I was able to reinvent my new identity up here and I’m able to make it whatever I want without being scrutinized by people who I know for a fact would have heavily disapproved.

When I got up here, I thought I was genderfluid, since I didn’t mind being referred to as ‘he.’ In fact, I got a huge super excited and giddy when anyone did so! Instant serotonin. But as time went on, I started disliking the idea of being referred to as a girl and getting WILD gender dysphoria on some days anytime I saw my chest. I’m still… okayish with it being labeled a girl, but think that’s due to having been referred to as she/her my entire life.

One time a classmate of mine called me “good girl” and I wanted to throw up. And anytime I was with my guy group of friends and someone said “guys and girl” I hated it. Just group me in with the men! I don’t mind!

Anyway, I’m mostly having doubts because it’s only really my chest and voice I want to change. I hate facial hair with a passion and actively shave my own face despite it not really being visible. (I have pale skin and pretty dark body hair so I can see it pretty well :/) I wouldn’t want to cut my hair, as I’ve been growing it out and love how it looks. And I also am hesitant to change how I dress since it’s not super feminine either, aside from the coloring of some of it.

The thing that sparked this post was an instance that happened today. See, I ordered a chest binder a few days back and it finally arrived. So, I came up to my room, put it on, and LOVED it. I can still see a bit of a curve but it’s so much better than before. However, when I went out to show my mother and sister… they were a lot less enthusiastic than me. I could tell they were kinda trying to be supportive but I couldn’t feel much genuine happiness from them.

Like, I know they’ll accept me. At least I think so, they haven’t been outwardly negative at least! But still… I just feel really alone with this and I’m doubting whether or not this is just some weird emotional phase.

Please give me any help you can.

Thank you.