Idk how to caption this😶‍🌫️ Urges?

I don’t feel like there’s anyone I can or at least want to tell, so I’m writing this here in hopes of getting some relief. Telling someone has always been the thing that’s helped me the most. Though posting on an anonymous forum has been a close second. I don’t expect any one to reply, and I’m not sure I even want to.

Been clean for over a year. In this year I have gotten a boyfriend whom I love, a job that I enjoy doing and almost finished high school even tho I’m 2 years behind.

The past weeks have been quite overwhelming. I have my last exam coming up this week, and if I pass I will be able to go to university, move on and actually start my life. I finished therapy on wednesday after going for at least once a week for the past 6 years. All out of sudden I have experienced of anxiety about death, which i’ve never struggled with before. I cry every night before going to bed imagining loved ones dying. I found a lump on my breast and stupidly googled the shit out of it, and now i’m obviously dying too. Christmas is usually a dark time for me. The stress about money, and a hit of the good old seasonal depression hasn’t exactly been helping either.

My boyfriend called me tonight saying he needed some alone time, and that it had nothing to do with me. Its not that I don’t believe him, and I have noticed he’s been acting strange. I asked many times, but the feeling of guilt about not digging deep enough is eating me. Guilts usually my biggest trigger. I would get urges from not driving fast enough after getting a green light

For the first time in a long time all I want is to cut. The urge is so strong, and I know it won’t go away. Only things that is somewhat stopping me is that I don’t want my boyfriend to notice and think it’s his fault. I know I can explain it and get away with it