Woman's thoughts on taking off Hijab?

Hi everyone! I’m 20F, Somali/Black, and this is the most vulnerable thing I’ve ever written in my life, but I honestly need support from other Muslim girls because I’ve never had a safe space to talk about this.

I grew up in a Muslim community in Florida where I was bullied, shamed, and sometimes physically harassed from childhood through my teens, at the masjid, and at home. Muslim girls told me I “didn’t look Muslim,” older women stared me down, and rumors spread because I wasn’t wearing a hijab yet. My mother never defended me. She blamed me, joined in, and emotionally abused me my whole life.

I had undiagnosed ADHD at the time. Even praying was terrifying; I was mocked at home and at the masjid for forgetting prayers, moving “wrong,” or reciting too fast. I soon became a people pleaser, thinking if I pleased everyone, everyone would start liking me more and wouldn't say, "I'm not a real Muslim." At 17, I put on the hijab but not for Allah. I wanted to survive bullying, please my mom, and fit in with other Muslims. It worked temporarily: people stopped bullying me, and my mom softened a little. But it wasn’t real acceptance.

At 19, my mom tried to harm me. I defended myself, and she kicked me out. That night, after years of fearing prayer, I prayed and truly connected with Allah for the first time in years. I finally felt a weight lift. Now, I live alone, take my medication, manage ADHD, and am rebuilding a healthy relationship with Allah. I pray daily, read the Quran, make dua, and practice sincerely! I think I associate hijab with how I got bullied by other fellow Muslims. I shouldn't have put it on just to be treated normally and should've waited until I was ready and for Allah. I want to take off my hijab and put it on when I am really ready and for Allah this time and wear it one day for the right reasons for Allah, not fear, not people-pleasing, not my mother. I also believe me taking it off wont automatically make me not a muslim, or go to hell, and that Allah see's everything and understands that everyones experince/journy is different and I'll always be loved no matter what.

Two days ago when I told my younger 16-year-old sister (little contact), she said I’d go to hell and try reading the Quran more. Even though she herself took off her hijab young and smokes. That double standard hurt, but I hung up.

So, any advice from those who been in a similar experience? :)