Hello pals, I'm back and better than ever! Let’s get into this gloriously chunky old-school historical romance set during the Wars of the Roses.

**Content Warning:** Heads up, this review covers: sexual assault and attempted rape, child abuse, violence, gore, homophobic villain coding, and the kind of purple-prose sex scenes that will make you laugh, or cringe, or both.

We open with our heroine, Isabella, complete with her requisite animal companion (a pet hawk casually chilling on her shoulder) reminiscing about the ghosts of her tragic past. The writing is so dramatically overripe that I found myself reading it in a breathy, theatre-kid voice. The Wars of the Roses have ended and (spoilers if you haven’t reached 1487 in your Big Book of British History) Henry Tydder sits on England’s throne, but Isabella mourns her beloved King Richard. Then she runs back into the waiting arms of her husband.

Now, I’ve read my share of vintage bodice rippers. They’re often rife with consent issues, but the sex is usually tame and politely euphemistic. Not this one. Oh no:

>He raised one dainty foot to his mouth and kissed her instep. He sucked her toes, which tasted of the tall sweet grass and wildflowers upon which she had trodden earlier.

Holy shit. Get in babes, they’re sucking toes on page 11!

And that’s only the warm-up. We get the full buffet of overwrought sensual description: “the honeyed folds of her womanhood”, the “unfolding petals of her woman’s flower”, and, my personal favorite, the moment where “somehow, he had his wine cup in his hand and was pouring the liquid over her; she could feel it trickling down between her thighs, intertwining with the soft curls and folds of her womanhood, where, even now, his lips were kissing her, his tongue tasting her, lapping at the wine and honey of her.”

Also, he is *constantly* described as “impaling her upon his blade.” His dick is a knife or a sword for the entire novel.

Anyway! In between him chugging wine out of her love chalice and stabbing her with his flesh knife, there *is* quite a bit of plot happening.

We flash back to Isabella’s childhood, where she and her brother Giles are recently orphaned. Being highborn, King Edward IV sends a warden to oversee the bereft children and their estate. The king, for some reason, selects the most odious man alive, Lord Oadby, a career warden and lecherous drunk who pilfers the estate coffers and is a pedophilic creep on top of it all!

>A tempting little morsel, the Earl decided, though ‘twould by some time yet before she was ripe for the picking. He licked his lips at the thought. There was nothing like the sweet taste of a budding maiden’s innocence, and Lord Oadby, who had quickly found this was one of the more pleasurable aspects of being a warden, had had his share of unspoiled fruit. Ashamed and horrified, the maids whom the Earl had forcibly dishonored had not dared to cry out against his wicked treatment of them, lest their disgrace at his hands be revealed.

Ew ew ew ick ew.

Anyway, he makes Isabella and Giles’s life a living hell for several years, before Giles gets sent away to be fostered by Richard, the Duke of Gloucester (history buffs are muttering “oh… no…” under their breath). Now Isabella is without protection, and Lord Oadby makes his move. Not to worry though, she fights him off with a pitchfork and he falls and hits his head, dead as a doornail. Hooray!

Giles returns and is like “look, sister, I met this hot guy while I was away and brought him back for you to marry!” That’s a bit weird of you, Giles, but apparently he knows his sister’s taste because she sees the beautiful blonde Lord Lionel Valeureux and is immediately like “yes, excellent choice.” She immediately decides she’s in love with him, and he immediately decides she’s super hot so he’s game for whatever. A little hitch in the giddy-up though, Lionel is already betrothed to someone else, Gilliane Beaumaris. Gilliane is an adorable little brunette who doesn’t want to marry Lionel anyway, she wants to be a scholar and join a convent (go Gilliane, you cute little nerd) and Lionel hates her because she’s not Isabella. He keeps his betrothal a secret and decides to string Isabella along for a while.

Now we have a second flashback, this time to this Welsh baddie named Hwyelis being assaulted by an English lord who makes this crazy wager with her where he’s like “I bet I can make you cry out with pleasure, and if I do you have to bring me our son that we’re making right now when he’s eight and give him to me” and for some reason she’s like “deal” and then they go at it.

>“And if I do not cry out?”

>“Then ye may keep the child—a bad bargain for me since the puny brats my wife has bred are sickly lads, like their mother, not likely to survive till manhood.”

They do indeed make a baby, Warrick (Waerwick, in Welsh). Hwyelis keeps the bargain and drops him off at eight years of age to his father. This hardens his heart against all women and he vows to never love again! Which is a tough break because now, at age 24, he is sent to not only be Isabella’s new ward, but also be betrothed to her by order of the king. Darn!

>His pride and arrogance were all that sustained him—those, and his vow never to love again.

Let’s see how that goes.

There’s a little interlude here where Isabella nearly gets abducted and raped (again!) by some bandits who have been marauding this countryside. Warrick rides in at the last second and lops all their heads off with his broadsword. Blood is spraying and heads are flying everywhere, it’s kind of awesome, not gonna lie. His bloodlust is on him and he lays a smoldering kiss on the (completely distraught and bloodsoaked) Isabella but she’s like “nay, my lord!” so he goes and fucks a servant instead (whomp whomp).

So more time goes by and Lionel, Isabella’s supposed true love, has to marry Gilliane after all and reveals himself to also be an odious piece of shit who beats and assaults his wife for the crime of not being Isabella.

>“You’d best accustom yourself to my lovemaking, ye stupid little slut!” he had snarled cruelly to his terrified bride, obtaining a mean delight from the way she had cringed in fear.

Poor adorable little Gilliane! Warrick and Isabella also get married, and although she is crushed at Lionel’s duplicity, Warrick likes to lick the “woman’s flower” so her wedding night is great. 

There are several instances where Lionel tries to trick his way back into Isabella’s good graces, and Warrick keeps believing that she’s unfaithful. Warrick, for his part, is my favourite kind of forced marriage hero: a grump and a bit mean but a good and faithful husband. He lets her believe he’s out cavorting with other women, while actually he’s drunkenly pouring his heart out to his horse in the stables.

Eventually they sort their shit out. >!Warrick kills Lionel in a duel, after Lionel nearly kills poor sweet Gilliane (she gets her wish to go to a convent after all that). Warrick and Isabella are in *true love*.!< Everything is great, so it’s time for all the behind the scenes politics to get terrible.

>!Edward IV dies and Richard becomes the king, but everyone wants Henry Tydder to be king. This includes Warrick, who has been conspiring to put Henry on the throne. Isabella is a dedicated devotee of King Richard, we’ve gone from an enemies to lovers plot to a lovers who are enemies plot! The final act of the book is called “Tears” and nearly everyone dies, including Isabella’s brother Giles and almost all of the side characters. There’s also this weird subplot with an Italian count who isn’t even just gay coded, he’s explicitly stated to be an evil predatory gay man. He also dies.!< Then we flash forward to the beginning of the book with the “haunted by her ghosts” and the toe sucking.

So, that was something. I’m not sure if I liked it, but I definitely wasn’t bored! If you spot this in a thrift shop and you like densely written historical romances with a heavy dose of melodrama, I would say go for it. I bought this copy for $2 and I would say it was worth every penny.

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