It’s December and I am tired

I thought I understood what exhaustion was. I have been through so much in my life, but NOTHING could’ve prepared me for what this year would do to me. I am totally beaten down, burned out beyond belief, crawling out of my skin trying to grab on to any sense of safety. I can’t relax, but I can’t think straight either. I can’t eat and can’t sleep. The only silver lining is I’m losing weight. This year was a trial by fire. I have nothing left in my tank to give, but life continues to demand more of me anyway.

I wish the holidays would just come and go already. I want nothing. I want to give nothing. I have no one to genuinely celebrate with. My family is hollow. All the holidays do is remind me of how few connections I have. How little love there is in my life. I get up every morning hoping for a better day and then get slapped in the face by reality.

I feel like I’m crawling on my hands and knees all year. I’ve worked harder than I ever have in my life for progress, but baring the pain of where my life is and enduring it, is fucking brutal. Every nerve ending is on fire.