Hard few days.

It’s been 9.5 months since he died and it was a year ago yesterday that marked the beginning of the end. I got the call to take him to the emergency room for what presented as something that we never expected to end up with him dead.

And it’s freaking hard. Most of the time I am okay. But the last two days haven’t been it. I’ve been okay when I am at work, but as soon as the work day is done I just have an empty house to come back to. It’s a home I love and it was his house for more than half his life. And there’s no one there.

I really am in a place where I don’t want to be alone, but at the same time I know I wouldn’t be good company. I realize I need to learn how to be okay being home alone. And I need to convince myself that I can survive this next few months with the holidays, and everything that happened during them and immediately after.

And I’m back in a weepy phase, and I hate this weepy phase.