I am 7 days sober and I can't tell anyone.

I've known for years that I drank too much, but didn't do anything about it. It became routine, covertly buying and consuming alcohol (first beers, then moved to liquor because it was cheaper), attempting to hide the evidence. I say covertly but I know for a fact various roommates/family/friends knew, but I moved around and got better at hiding. Being loud and boisterous and emotional is just who I am, I'm not drunk!

It was bringing me so much shame and mental anguish, and over the years physical problems too. I gained weight, developed GERD, my fitbit could show me exactly how high my heart rate was and how shitty I was sleeping. I never had any real physical dependency, it was just my routine and I liked how it temporarily managed my anxiety.

On Dec 1st I woke up with a terrible hangover after a family Christmas tree celebration the night before that had included sugary drinks. I had vomited on myself, and had to clean it as my heart raced trying to pump my alcohol-thinned blood while I scrubbed off dried vomit in the shower. I experienced some numbness in my hands, leading me down an anxiety fueled search of what medical problem this was and how I'd die from it. But, I didn't drink that day.

The next day, no numbness, had better sleep. Okay, maybe let's not drink today too? So I didn't. My sleeping was now way better, my GERD improved, I felt less sad and anxious. I figured out the numbness was coming from when I slept on my sides and was too drunk to turn over regularly, which was solved by my sobriety. I decided to keep it up. It was surprisingly easy, I just didn't drink, rewarding myself with coffee/juices that I like. I was only really compelled to pour a drink out of habit, but it got easier to ignore.

And here I am, day 7. This is the longest I've gone without a drink in about a decade, and admitting that to anyone is to admit to a lot more than I feel ready to divulge right now. It feels so amazing, yet so tenuous. What happens if I slip up? Can I handle being around drinking in thd future? I don't know if I want to be fully sober, or just kick the secret habit and keep it only to reasonable amounts in social settings? What if I can't stop at a reasonable amount? I'm trying not to worry about those questions right now, and simply enjoy the accomplishment, but it weighs on me.

All I know is I will not be having a drink today.