My Asian mother keeps retraumatizing me — I went no contact. Is it normal that I don’t miss her at all?

Hey 👋 I’ve (f, 35) been in deep psychological therapy (psychodynamic) for a little over a year, and for the first time in my life I’m starting to understand what actually happened to me.

This summer was the first time I ever had a huge fight with my mother as an adult. She said extremely hurtful things, used guilt, blame, and manipulation — the usual stuff many Asian kids know too well but it hit different because I’m finally learning to set boundaries. I told her clearly what her behavior does to me.

She didn’t listen. She attacked, denied, twisted things, and told me I should „forget it“ because she already forgot. I didn’t forget. That was my summer.

Fast forward to now: We didn’t see each other for 8 days and she suddenly sent me messages saying she “misses me.” I didn’t reply. The day after she asked me to reply NOW. I replied: ”I’m at work, I didn’t even have time for myself. That’s why I don’t reply. Do you really miss me or do you just wanna control me?“ (I always feel annoyed when I see her messages + AuDHD) Then she sent voice messages crying for 3 minutes, listing her health problems from Monday to Friday and talking about how hard her life is, how she’s old and shouldn’t have to care about other people’s feelings (?!), how I never ask about her week, how she works “for me,” how she’s lonely… all the classic emotional dumping.

This is a pattern: Whenever she feels I’m pulling away, she does something dramatic. Whenever I try to talk about my own feelings, she shuts down or blames me. Or she starts talking about herself. Whenever something goes wrong in her life, I become responsible.

I finally hit my limit. I blocked her everywhere — WhatsApp, calls, I left the family group, even removed her from shared Apple settings because seeing her profile picture already stresses me.

I thought I would feel guilty. But I don’t miss her. At all.

I realized something: She doesn’t miss ME. She misses control, attention, having someone to dump on, and the feeling of being needed. She has no friends, no emotional regulation, and grew up in a very toxic family herself.

Is this normal? Has anyone gone no-contact with their Asian mother for more than 4 weeks? How long until it becomes easier or worse?

I’m scared of the guilt that might hit me. I’m scared I’ll break the boundary again. I’m scared that if she dies one day, I’ll regret everything — even though she has harmed me deeply my entire life.

I’m also retraumatized right now. Old memories are coming back.

Thank you for reading ❤️