I can’t stop feeling restless

I feel restless today and have no idea what to do. Went on a long walk, tried to watch a movie, nothing. I’m dissatisfied with my life and I’m already over it. Finals are coming up and a month of free time feels like a curse.

I feel guilt for so much in my life. Recently I went through a break up, a girl I was with who asked me out but dumped me after six months. She told me she expected me to know everything she needs without her having to talk about it, I wish I was able to read her mind but I just couldn’t. Her mom texted me recently which gave me some good closure, and I assumed this meant everything was okay and I was clear to reach out to my ex to make sure she didn’t need anything from me so I could finally put the relationship out of my mind. I thought this was the adult thing to do, but my ex told me I had ruined her relationship with her mom by talking to her and it all became a mess.

Another girl recently started talking to me in my classes, she was very complimentary of me and I assumed this meant she wanted to be friends. I asked for her number in relation to a project in one of our classes and told her it’s totally okay if she didn’t want to, but she accepted and we texted briefly. Talked only about the paper. Eventually she left me on read and things got awkward in class, I felt awful for doing something to make this poor girl uncomfortable. I just wanted a friend in my socially dead school but ended up scaring someone. Showed a friend everything I told her and he said I didn’t do anything explicitly weird, but whatever the case my ignorance caused someone else stress and I feel awful.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t live life alone, but it’s looking like I’m going to be lonely until I die. I know others have it worse than me, but that scares me even more, knowing that eventually I will just keep sinking lower and lower, because that is all that really happens for people in life. No matter what my intentions are I end up hurting people and that leaves me all alone. Selfishly I wish I was more attractive so that even when I accidentally hurt people they’d stay around, but there’s nothing I can do on that front. I feel like whatever my problem is, it’s inherently my role to cause harm to others. When I was born, it caused harm to my mother and siblings. She sacrificed everything for me and I ended up a failure with probably no future, and I’m tired of causing her pain and stress.

Everything is just exhausting and I want it to be over with.