ending my life soon. I can't do it anymore. Lost the person I love most.

it's almost my birthday and I'm going to kill myself

There is nothing good about my life. Nothing that brings me joy. Nothing that makes me happy. Nothing whatsoever.

I've relapsed into my eating disorder. I've been cutting myself almost every day. I dropped out of college. I've barely left the house.

I am ugly. I have no redeeming qualities. I will never be loved. I will never be held again. I will never be someone's girlfriend. I get skinnier and skinnier but I am somehow still a disgusting mess.

Every day is worse than the last. I eat less. I cut deeper. I fall further into this pit of depression and there is no hope of getting out of it.

I have nobody in my life.The person I love most in the world doesn't love me back anymore which isn't her fault but it still hurts.

I miss being her girlfriend. It's all my fault that I'm not. I ruined my life. I lost the person I love. I've talked about how everything I did was for her sake. But who fucking cares. The end result is that I hurt her. The end result is that i am an irredeemable person. She hasn't forgiven me so I should never forgive myself. I need to be dead because all I do is cause harm.

I am in this hell of my own making. I did this to myself. I have to die soon. I know I must. I hurt the only person who ever loved me and for that I must kill myself.

I loved her and i can't do life without her. I thought and hoped maybe she'd come back. Maybe she'd forgive me. Maybe I'd be in her arms again. But I've hurt her too much. I've done too much harm. I have to let her go.

Everyone always says that you shouldn't kill yourself, your loved ones will miss you. But my mom has openly called me a burden. She openly wishes I was gone sometimes. My brother hates me. I have zero friends, genuinely zero. I'm not her girlfriend anymore. sometimes She wishes she never met me. None of which i blame her for.

So I'm not hurting anyone. If anything I'm doing the world a favour. There is nobody to miss me. Nobody to care.

I want to leave a note behind. I want to ensure everything I have goes to her. She deserves it. She kept me going far longer than I ever should have been alive. Maybe I can schedule an e transfer for a few days after I die. I'll leave her number for my parents and a box of everything I wish her to have. They can text her and ask her if she wants it. It's mostly the Christmas and birthday gifts I never got to give her, but also stuff that I don't need, such as my laptop. I'll be dead and she can sell it for a decent chunk of money. I just want to benefit her one last time, yk? I really tried. I tried so unbelievably hard. But I am broken beyond repair. I've been writing music. At least I'll leave something behind. Make my mark. I existed. I lived. I was happy. But mostly I suffered. I just can't suffer anymore.

I don't want pity. I've done all this to myself. If I was just a better girlfriend I wouldn't be in this mess. In about a month I'll be dead. And I've made peace with that. I just. I can't go on like this. You'd understand if you had the same disorders I had. You'd understand if every waking moment was pain.

goodbye. I just hope she hates me enough that she feels zero guilt over my death.