My best friend encouraged me to come out… and then ghosted me

I (36) have struggled with my sexuality since my early teens, but attempts to come out to my friends and family were overwhelmingly met with disbelief or outright homophobia. I internalized a lot of this and convinced myself that I wasn’t a lesbian at all—I was just asexual. When I met my now-husband, this is how I identified.

For years, I’ve lived very convincingly in the closet. Husband, kids, the works. I ugly cried in the bathroom after watching Bly Manor and San Junipero, sure, but I wasn’t gay… they were just bittersweet stories, right?

Fast forward to early this year. Through work and wild geographical coincidence, I reconnected with one of those childhood friends. We met up for coffee, and it was like no time at all had passed between us. She had always been more open-minded than most of our circle, and-–more to the point—she was herself now living as an out-and-proud lesbian. The months I spent with her helped me acknowledge, yes, holy shit, I am gay and this is a thing that women are allowed to be.

I was terrified of coming out. I love my husband, and so do my parents. But my friend, who’s got a much bigger queer network than I do, convinced me that staying in the closet would be worse. She had never known anyone who regretted coming out. And she would be by my side. So I came out. And my husband mourned. My parents couldn’t understand it. The friends I felt safe enough to tell politely dismissed and downplayed it. And my friend’s wife decided that she was no longer comfortable with our friendship. My “ride or die bestie” hasn’t spoken to me since the week before Thanksgiving.

Being gay cost me all my friends as a kid, and now it has blown holes in my most important relationships as an adult. I imagined coming out as some profoundly liberating experience, but I’ve never felt lonelier in my life. Ironically, the only person who has actually stood loyally and supportively by my side through all this is my husband… whom I am now sure I will never leave.

Has anyone been through something similar? Come out the other side? I’m not seeing a light at the end of this tunnel right now.