I've got mixed feelings towards my mum

I love my mum and she loves me but sometimes she just feels like too much. She is the biggest reason I am still here today but also the reason I wanted to off myself many times.

I've recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety but I'm pretty sure those are not the only issues I have. My psychiatrists were awful (I've gone to 3 different practitioner) only the last one kinda took me seriously but he also seemed to purposefully get on my nerves to get me to answer his questions and after each sessions I felt so drained even my usually let's say "callouse" family will notice and leave me the eff alone. But that is beside the point.

Because it took some time before I got diagnosed and the fact mental health isn't really treated seriously in my country my relationship with my mom became extremely tense. She had hopes and dreams for me but I couldn't even take care of my personal hygiene. My grades started falling as a result she became stricter. The stricter she became the more suffocated I felt and the more suffocated I felt the less I could do. It became a vicious cycle.

I know she did that because she wanted the best for me but some of her methods were a little bit extreme.

She refused to give me a phone until this year because and I quote "I couldn't discipline myself". That's ok I understand, she is right on that one. I've got the attention span of a goldfish except when I'm passionate about something (mostly books, I adore reading and writing)

She threatened and sometimes still do to throw away my books if I don't do things like she wants to. Honestly to me this is the worst threat she ever threw at me and the one that has me seeing red.

She threatened to and actually threw me out on multiple occasions. Sometimes she'll just sent me to my grandparents home or she'll just throw me out like that. Since I have nowhere to go except my relatives and I know if I go to them they'll side with my mum all I can do during those times is find a clean spot and lie down for the night(s).

All those were punishment so I kinda understand them to a certain extent cause I've seen worse, kinda. Corporal punishment are legal in my country.

Recently I tried opening up and telling her that I loved her but she was too much at times. It resulted in an argument thankfully I was at my grandparents so we were chatting through Whatsapp but what really pained me wasn't the argument and having my feelings kinda invalidated I'm already used to it the problem is when we met with the priest in her church (I'm an atheist and had to fight real hard so that she stopped forcing me to church but I went because of her, because she asked) she twisted my words and derived a completely different meaning from what I said.

Honestly if I didn't depend on her financially still I'll barely have any contact with her because one thing I realized from my frequent eviction is that no matter how much we love each other we only have peace when we're away from one another