DAE struggle with moving on from the past?

I feel like nostalgia hurts me so badly, even when I was at my worst I romanticize the past and how at least I had more friends before I started avoiding them for no reason.

I also ended up having a falling out with my best friend due to my AvPD/OCD making me have to cut them off so I could stop having panic attacks. That was years ago and the wound still feels fresh and I hate that I think about my old best friend so often. They probably barely think about me now and if they do, they definitely hate me.

But still, I cant stop wishing I could go back in time to those days. I was still depressed but at least I had friends i spoke to daily and felt like to at least someone I might be their first choice. I know ill never find anything like that again and I hate myself for ruining it.

Not just that but listening to anything nostalgic or watching nostalgic movies or anything similar make me so depressed, but im addicted to it. I guess because I cant really see a future for myself that doesnt involve my suicide.

Im so lonely and depressed, im realizing theres just nothing i can do because ive tried pretty much everything. I just lay in the dark and cry over things I'll never experience again and romanticize it so severely.