I would probably feel better if I just ate properly…

Struggling with depression for most of my life, and I feel like I’m at a point where it’s finally not at its worst.

The biggest problem though is that I don’t have energy for anything. I know how to cook, but since I’m bed rotting and eating less… I don’t have the energy to go get ingredients and actually cook something. Food delivery is expensive and the fast food/delivery food always just makes me feel awful after.

Groceries are expensive, eating out is expensive, but if I don’t eat enough I crash and get into another depressive episode.

I traveled to Japan a bit ago and finally felt like I was free from my depression for a short moment, and while part of it definitely was the dopamine of visiting a new country… I also ate normal portions of food and ate often. My body physically and mentally felt like I was ontop of the world. If I felt like I was having a bad day I didn’t have to stress about cooking a meal, because there were always convenience stores that could pick me back up. We don’t have this at home.

Now that I’m back home I’ve somehow slipped back into a rut. I don’t want to be stuck in this cycle again. I want to eat better, and I want to have motivation again. I want to be able to jump out of bed and feel passionate about life, but it’s so fucking hard to do that.