Finding out I’m not related to my assaulter somehow hurts me more.

Bear with me here I know how it sounds. When I was 13 my father died and it completely destroyed my mom. Having basically no one else in her life, she heavily leaned on me for everything especially her emotions. She wanted me to sleep in her bed for comfort (in the same spot where my dad died) and I resisted it for a few months but after it blew up into a huge fight I just gave in. She would hardly let me sleep in my own bed and would insist on cuddling me for hours even though I tried to tell her I didn’t like it and would make me hold hands with her while sleeping/going to sleep. I can’t count how many times she made me touch her because she missed my dad so much, she needed the comfort, she needed to make her teenage kid touch her for all the bullshit reasons she could think of. And I’ve spent the past few years holding onto those reasons for an explanation for why, why me. Obviously because I looked like my dad. She says so herself all the time. Same hair, similar skin tone, maybe if you squint you could see more similarities but you get the picture.

A few days ago I found out that my mom is not my biological mom, which didn’t really surprise me that much since we don’t look alike at all and some other clues. The thing that really broke me was finding out my dad is also not my biological dad. All the reasons and excuses I had for what happened were gone. You tell me that I look so much like my dad that I’m the next best thing and I’m not even related to him? You’re comfortable living with what you’ve done to a kid who isn’t even yours? I used to feel more disgusted by the incest part of what happened but now I’m so much more just creeped out.

It’s almost the anniversary of my fathers death and that’s always a bad- as in worse than usual- time for my moms mental health. Shes meaner and more emotional now than ever. Shes been making me sleep in her bed for about two months now and I know it will be at least another month until the holidays are over when I can sleep in my own bed. I’m so angry all the time, at her and everything she does. I only get to be away from her when I use the bathroom or sneak away for a bit when she’s sleeping. Other than that I’m stitched to her side. I just had to get this off my chest to hopefully make me feel less angry because I can’t afford to snap at her. If this is how she treats me when I’m performing my best I don’t want to see her lose all her anger at me. I’m just tired.