How to heal from relationship where you ended up hurting them…

I broke up with my ex for multiple reasons. I was an addict , I lost my income, we would argue constantly about how she wasn’t my type because the girls I dated before her were all completely different. Seeds of jealousy and insecurity planted from before we were exclusive and just a whole bunch of drama.

Our arguments became more and more heated , she started to self harm and go into manic episodes, and threaten to hurt herself or do something dangerous. She has BPD so her reactions and emotions always tended to be intense.

I felt like I had to run for the both of us. When things were good we were perfect , I would have spent the rest of my life with her. But I could not take the weight of her highs and lows anymore and the self harm stuff scared the ever living fuck out of me. She terrified me in general, I was scared of her and at the last few weeks I was in panic mode and checked out.

When we broke up she insulted me in every way possible and targeted every single one of my problems and then told me she hopes I die in a car accident on the way home. She really loved me, she was a ride or die. She would have lived in poverty with me eating ramen noodles and trying to come up together. She was hurting

I was on drugs, I was down horrible because I did not want to have to do this, and I was honestly really triggered by the things she said to me, she systematically analyzed me and broke me down. The week after we broke up I went and hungout with my ex that she was very worried about ( I wouldn’t give her chances but she would always try to reach out to me from no caller ID. I hung out with her and basically aired all of the trauma and vented my whole relationship to her, all of the ugly.

She proceeded to literally tell all of her friends everything I said verbatim then tell everyone we were going to date ( woman in her mid 20s btw) and it gets back to my ex and she was furious. To her this was the ultimate betrayal and she still had hopes we would work out someday but after that absolutely not. She told me off over a few days and now never wants to speak to me again ( fair )

It’s been about a month and a half. I feel like a terrible person every day for hurting her , I cry almost every single day for her and miss her so much. I couldn’t be with her anymore, especially right now. It would have only held both of us back. I genuinely would take a bullet for her, I love her. I just don’t know how to get over this feeling of being a piece of shit person. I’ve never done someone dirty before , i’ve always been the good guy getting hurt, always kept my morals right. But I really fucked up here and i’m not proud of myself. The one person I’ve ever loved the most in this world , the one woman who loved me truly unconditionally, I hurt and I betrayed.

Edit : 28M (me) 28F (her)