I don’t think I have the strength anymore to go on

I‘m disabled physically and mentally. I have mental illness too. It’s just a lot.

I have 13 different diagnosis. Most recently autism and ME/CFS. I have a low life expectancy because of two genetic mutations I was born with.

I have chronic pain every day. I need to take opiate pain medication, but I am still in pain. I was disabled all my life, but managed ok. Then I got CFS and now I am just fucked.

I used to be able to do things while disabled and in pain. Now I can’t do anything.

I just spent all my time at home in bed, if I leave home I pay for it with pain.

Aside from that my adhd and autism make life extremely hard. I have dyslexia and dyscalculia too and I just feel stupid all the time. I can’t grasp simple concepts, struggle in uni, struggle socially, struggle to manage my own life.

I am now losing disability payments because I simply forgot to re-apply because of my adhd.

My parents are alcoholics so they won’t support me and the rest of my family are literal nazis (not over exaggerated, the call black peoples and Jews animals and I am not allowed to see my nieces and nephews because I am gay and they believe I will infect them). So I am on my own here.

Even on days where I am physically Ok my mental illness fucks me up. I have cPTSD and severe depression. I am in therapy, I‘m on lots of mental health meds, I did inpatient. I did it all and it didn’t fix anything.

I am not actively suicidal or anything. I think I am ok too many mental health meds to be suicidal lol

I am just tired. So fucking tired. It’s too much and I cannot handle it anymore. I am a strong person. I was always the one standing up for myself and others, fighting to be seen, fighting for my rights. People admired me for that.

Right now I am just drained. Empty. There is nothing of me left. I am not a person anymore i am just a husk.

All I do is fight. Fight so survive. Fight to get help. Fight to get money, treatment, food. Every day is a fight.

There is no rest for me because even getting out of bed is a fight.

All I want to do is sleep. Rest. Recover. That’s all I want. I am tired. There is nothing in me left to give.

Idk what to do at this point. I need to do things. I need to go to therapy, treatments, apply for disability, show up to appointments etc. etc. etc.

I just don’t know how. It’s too much. I am burned out.

I can’t stop because all I do is literally bare bones survival, but I can’t go on because there is no energy left in me.

I feel like at this point I might be actively dying

How do you cope with this?