Narcissistic mother

i want to give some background information first. (by the way english isnt my first language). Thank you in advance to everyone taking the time to read my post. its very long!

im 24 now, and i have no contact with almost everyone in my family. My dad is diagnosed psycopath, and my mom and dad werent together when i grew up and I dont have contact with him either. the only people in my family im in contact with is my half sister and brother both from my dads side and they are much older than me (40s), but they live very far away so we mostly communicate via text or call. I dont know them very well, i had no contact with them in my childhood but i contacted them a couple of years ago. Working on that tho!

i grew up with my mother and my sister until i was about 12, and then my stepdad came into the picture. he was deadbeat and my mom and him always faught because he didnt really do alot around the house. because of this and alot of financial stress, our mother often took her frustrations out on us kids. she cursed, screames and sometimes got violent. but i think the worst part is that after she was done screaming she just walked off. she never let us explain our side of the story if we did anything wring. And then after she had calmed down she just acted like nothing had happened and she would make fun of us for still being upset. «get over it already» when we never got closure. she also never listened when i wanted to talk to her avout stuff, everything from homework to love interest, to fights i had with my classmates «stop being so dramatic» or, «i dont have the energy for your nonsense right now» was mostly what she told me. so i never really chatted with her about anything personal. i remeber one time i brought my boyfried we were just joking around and having fun and my mother always made remarks like «youre lucky he is such a patient guy» or «stop bothering him, hell get tired of you». it was like she couldnt understand how somebody could love me for ME, and accept me. did she always hate me?

she also was never present when me and my sister had fights, and she never took control of the situation. this led to us resenting each other. i have since read about sibling rivalry and im so sad, and i feel like my mother robbed me of my sister. when we got alittle older, around 13 (my sister is only one year younger than me) we stopped fightning but we never really spoke or hung out together. we were like strabgers living in the same house. when i think back on it, it probably was because we never stood a chance of developing a healthy relationship. my sister has also cut off everyone including me. this happened like 5 years ago, and i rememver at that time i felt like our relationship was better than ever! we had both moved out and away from our mother, and the last time i saw her i was visiting her at the little flat she had rented for herself. i brought my boyfriend and she showed us around and we actually had a nice conversation and i felt closer to her than ever! three months later i was in town, i ordered takeaway and went to knock on her door. when she opened she just looked at me, laughed and then shut the door. i was very confused since last time we saw eachither went great. at the time i was still in contact with my mother and asked her if she knew what was going on. she just said she had cut of her and our grandparents.

i have to mention that i feel like my mother failed my sister even more than me, because all my life we have had a suspicion that my sister is on the spectrum. but my mother never went to get her diagnosed because she was «tired of always forcing her to do things». and after she turned 18 my mother no longer had a say in what she does, and now she probably wont get the help that she needs.

also my stedad molested me once when i was 15. i dont know if he ever did anything to my sister, god i hope not. i told my mother about this two years ago in one of the last fights we had where i tried to make her understand all the pain and suffering she has done. she just responded (via text) «i didnt know that, ill talk to him». and then i never heard anything about it.

all i ever wanted her to do was take responsibility, apolagize and make an effort for things to be mended between us. but all she ever said is «how can i be such a terrible mother when i provided you with food and a roof over your head?!». she denies everything and what hurts the most is how she just makes zero effort into trying to understand me and keeping a relationship with me. it feels like she doesnt care if i live or die. i can accept everything that has happened, i know she has alot of problems and i know she has dealt with so much shit in her life. but when she doesnt reach out and does not make an effort that just breaks me. if she had just TRIED to contact me back and wanted to do better i would forgive her in a heartbeat.

what also makes me so fucked up is that she used to work in a kindergarden and sometimes i went with her to work. i just remembered seeing her with the other kids and i just thought, «wow, how is it that shes so kind and loving towards these other kids, but never even asks about my day or looks my way?» like seeing that she was actually capable of caring and loving but not giving me that is so wild for a 5 year old. why was i so unlovable?

the last time i spoke with her i told her that the last resort for me would be that we both go to therapy together to have a professional help us get things right. she just said she would be gone for a couple of weeks, and then i never heard from her again. this was about 1-2 years ago. why wont she call or text me to tell me that she wants to make things right and go to therapy so we can finally be happy? how is it possible for her to just give up on me, her child?

i feel so alone at times and i wish i could have a family. i was always a very social person and when i still lived at home i remember crying in my room watching christmas movied because no one wanted to spend time together, everyone was just in their own room watching their own screen. luckily i have the most amazing boyfriend ever, and i spend time with his family as much as i can but it will never be the same.

i wont ever know what uncinditional love is, because what happens me and my boyfriend breaks up? i have no one that will always be there for me no matter what, who will guide me through life and stick by my side through all my phases. i mean, i have some great friends but they have their own life you know? and thats conditionally too. How i wish i had a mother who i could call no matter what and just chat about small or big things.

i dont know what i want with this post, mostly just getting it out and maybe someone in a similar situation can feel more seen🤍