Everything’s going wrong, I’m at a loss and don’t

TW: Anxiety/Depression, Drugs/Alcohol.

I’m in a professional program and the semester just ended. There was a final project due this past week and I’ve been going through A LOT personally that’s messed me up in all aspects. So I was relieved to hear the instructor say that late submissions are allowed, they’d just incur a 15-point deduction. I was ready to submit, 24h past the due date, and expected a reduction in points. Then I got an email from the instructor saying it’s an automatic 0% because it wasn’t submitted on or before the due date. I immediately followed up and noted his own words on the course recording that approved late submissions. He doubled-down and said it’s past the due date so it won’t be graded and there’s no point to submit it now. The zero dropped my grade to a C-, but my GPA will still be above a 3.6. In this program, a C-grade is grounds for dismissal from the program. I scheduled a meeting with the dean for later this week to try to provide my perspective & hopefully avoid being kicked right before graduation.

With everything I’ve been dealing with for the past two months, my depression is off the charts & this just pushed me to the edge. I want nothing more to take enough edibles to shut my mind down so I can’t think, but I’ve been applying to jobs that would need a drug test (its legal where I live but employers don’t like to see it on applicants drug tests). Instead I’m drinking a lot and trying to stop my thoughts.

It’s like I can’t catch a fucking break and I don’t have a support system. If I’m booted from the program then I’m officially at rock bottom and, without a job, I just don’t see how I can recover. I’m already >400 job applications (all freaking tailored to the jobs) in that past 4 months, and keep getting passed over for people with less formal education, the reason I’m given is that they believe my degrees make it less likely I’d be with them for at least 5 years. I just can’t catch a break. Everything is so freaking hard right now. And I don’t have anyone I can even talk to.

Please note that, while I’m really going through it, I’m not a danger to myself or others.