Coming to terms and figuring out what to do now

Apologies in advance this is a very long post.

Quick recap I think I’ve kind of known for the past 5-6 years maybe longer and just denied it for various reasons but I decided to just tell the truth.

I’m currently 23 and I am living with my parents.

I’m also not financially independent my parents are nice enough to let me stay till I am able to get the undisclosed career I want but this is a big side affect.

The only people I have are my parents I’ve never really had any friends due to being autistic.

So a couple weeks ago i went and decided I’d say how I felt to them and I wish I hadn’t they didn’t really do anything wrong but they don’t understand which I get I mean if I don’t even understand how can they but I just feel ashamed and embarrassed and I just wish id never said anything.

Going to talk to a therapist but I live in Texas so that makes stuff even worse.

I ended up basically backing down on being sure about it and saying I don’t really know but I think I’m just lying to try and be less embarrassed as if that helps.

It’s pretty clear while they’re trying they want the conclusion to be that I’m not and to be honest I wish that’s what it was to but I don’t think it is.

Things have only felt worse since I started posting on here and while I shouldn’t have I checked 1 parents phone (for purposes of potentially being seen they will be parent 1) and what I saw wasn’t great this was about 2 weeks ago almost.

Message to parent 2 from 1 (Altered just in case slightly)

• Spending all that time online where he was exposed to the trans thing. Told that the depression, anxiety, bullying could all be fixed by embracing this.

To be clear I’ve never once talked to anyone online prior to these posts no one told me to be or that I was or any shit like that.

Parent 2 didn’t reply so I’m assuming they talked in person or on a call.

I also after seeing this checked the search history and found some not so great articles being read.

Including “Yes, Your Kid's Trans Thing is a Phase” and a whole bunch of autism research.

I just don’t even know what to do about this I don’t know what I hope to accomplish even putting this anywhere I guess I just want to know others have had this experience or what they did idk really.

I’ve been making a list of “probably signs I was trans” for a therapist just gonna throw this here too. It’s pretty clear as much as it’s be so much easier to not be that I am trans.

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Never liked being called handsome I assumed it’s cause I just didn’t like how I looked in general and felt it was a lie

Didn’t like being mistaken for a girl but now I think it’s because I liked it and didn’t like that I liked it

No problem with he/him really but that might be more familiarity

Always wanted long hair when I was little but ended up cutting it because I didn’t want to seem girly

I remember playing with girl toys till people would notice and I’d stop for the same reason

An odd recurring dream I had when i was very young I’d be forced to become a girl and join a group of like a 100 girls each being like a different color or whatever I was pink it was weird but I kept having it until it randomly stopped and then I started just purposefully remembering it at night in bed before sleeping hoping to have the dream again

My sister and her friend dressed me up when I was really little and I had the same feelings of liking it but not liking that I did

Late puberty and height gain didn’t like being short

Apparently really liked a girly hat as a very little kid

When I was little and found out about gay people from a show I was a little homophobic I won’t lie but I also had a thought that now I can’t stop thinking about that being that one of them should just be the other gender.

As if it made more sense to be trans to me even then.

I wasn’t sure when this happened but I was able to find it because I had made some new emails to do this prior to 2018 I made multiple online accounts for the soul purpose of creating female characters in a game. This coincided with puberty me being 16.

Around the same time i started borrowing clothes secretly. I almost got caught and stopped till years later then would a few times a year each time trying to ignore it and move on.