Conflicting feelings about bm and ss

Today has been rough, I’ve been in a bad mood due to lack of sleep (thank my infant) and wondering if bm is actually going to pick ss(8) up. His birthday was Friday and she told him she would pick him up today (Sunday) to celebrate.

I have a lot of moments where I can’t stand my ss, he just gets on my nerves so easily some days. And I’m always trying to get dh to stay home from work on weekends or school breaks so I don’t have to spend 8-10 hours alone with ss. I’ve been reaching out to my parents and dh’s parents for help too. I can’t handle being the main caregiver most days, especially when he doesn’t have school.

So why am I so upset every single time bm does actually pick him up? She’s made a lot of false promises “yeah I’ll take you out to dinner wherever you want and to play games and go to the jumping place!” And then disappears for days and doesn’t answer calls or texts. She has gone months with no contact, not even a text. Maybe it’s because I am SO resentful towards her. I am always looking to get a break from ss, but when it’s her that’s giving me a break I’m so upset.

She just picked him up and I already feel anxious and upset. Even though today I was begging my mom to come over and help me because the kids were driving me nuts. Last time bm picked ss up I sobbed for an hour. I really couldn’t tell you why…just watching him run to her car made me insanely upset.

I feel like an anxious mess right now. I feel so insecure when it comes to her too which is upsetting and stupid because why do I feel insecure about a woman like her?????