as a child i was unreasonable afraid of being poisoned

i had a phobia of being poisoned as a child, i always did, i never thought about why.
the funny thing is that i always poisoned myself with drugs, until the point that it's my third time trying suicide with meds.
i was planning for so long, and today i didn't even think twice, i just did.
my life was good, i'm an english teacher, i teached myself two languages, i go to the gym, i love to read, i love taking care of myself, i'm a college student, my life could be good if i weren't chronically traumatized and lonely when it comes to family.

the last days have been so hard on me and i just find myself so alone, i can't handle a lifetime of rejection and i'm so embarassed of always trying to die because i want to live.

i just can't suffer this much so alone and uncared for.

i don't want to die, but i can't live like this.

this year, i spent months and months planning, doing research about ways to die, i always knew how to die, my first attempt was at 13, the second at 15, almost did it at 18, and now i1m 21 and i was so hopeful, so, so hopeful and happier.

i really can't handle rejection, i feel childish, i go to therapy, i take my meds, i was eating well.
i've had a lot of depressive episodes and suicide ideation, but not like this year, this year was something entirily different, so much has happened and i didn't even see myself falling, getting at this point.

i'm so fucking sorry, i loved my students, all of them.

i loved my brothers and sisters.

i loved my friends.

i loved animals, food, i loved life, i did.

but i just couldn't, this disease is so fucking awful and i needed more help, i was such a sad child, i was never properly taken care of, never.

i'm sorry.