Why ???

Together for 15 years+ Me F 51, him M 53

We only had sex in the very early stages of our relationship. And ONLY because I initiated and all.

A couple of years ago I had a major awakening. Thanks to a young man (much younger than me) I came to realize I had been in an existential COMA. When I 'woke up" (or ... when I resurrected from death more like it ... ) I tried to "wake up" my husband too !!

Long story short, at some point, I even "offered" to blow him every night before bed. Expecting nothing in return whatsoever (so no anxiety to perform). I understood he must have hung-ups neither of us know of ... with perimenopause and andropause in the picture ... massive, recente, life changes and struggles, checked ✅ too ... me trying to be understandable and respectful while having my issues and hang-ups myself too ... ...

Wanna know what I got ?

Well, I was basically told thanks but no thank you. I, now, know that I felt rejected for all those years. But this ... this one broke me behind repair. He's always been having troubles sleeping (and falling asleep too). So I, naively ... , thought something like "hey, honey, let's try that ! ". Thinking it could do no harm (the very opposite, in fact !!). Hoping it could lead to closeness ... ... like a shortcut to ... HOME ...

How foolish. How stupid I must be.

It's been over a year and a half since and, of course, I cannot forget. He keeps saying his refusal was only referred to that specific evening ... and ONLY due to the fact that he couldn't shower after work : there was a power outage. Now that I am writing about it, it occurs to me that the power outage was the reason, and, for me, the excuse, we were probably trying to comunicate that night (translated ME talking TO him ... ... ). NO TV ... and I made the most of the situation and started to TALK.

BUT ... I know better. My guts do. Bodies don't lie. NEVER. I am told I am attractive. Even sexy. By young men. Men that, yes, wanted me for sex 'only' but the chemistry and attraction had been there. Insane and reciprocated. Those cannot be faked. Nor demanded. And not pretended.

So no, I cannot blame my looks. Nor my personality because my husband, who is awesome in every other way, says he loves me dearly. I love him too but there is so much resentment now. I told him that he could be asexual. Or that it could be ... anything ... And that whatever the 'problem' might be ... well, it shouldn't be a problem at all. I am open to do anything it takes for him to BE, and FEEL, WELL but, first of all, we need to figure out what it is, and, also, work on it. And on US too !

I thought I could break through with all the 'Talks' we had ... but It seems it was only me do the talking. The emotional work. For both. Because nothing good came from it : he reckons he isn't asexual ... ... He says he is "only" been far too much stressed (and, I add, depressed) for too long. TRUE. But there"s more there. He, simply, NEVER chose me. I did everything. It was all in my mind only ... for all this time. Me being delusional. Thinking I wasn't even attractive ... only because HE, for whatever reason, was not attracted to me ...

How do you go past such a thing ?! How can anyone possibly "recover' from something like this ?!? ...

I am at my lowest now. I want to live and feel alive, celebrate all we have, which is loads ... All the goodness we share, the accomplishments, the love and compassion we do have for one another and for our very selves ... but, INSTEAD, I cry. Every day. Each f*ckin given day. On the good ones maybe just once. But they are few. I cry multiple times a day. And before you say it ... no, this isn't depression. It's a lot of things ... but mainly betryal. Abandonement. Rejection. Plain and simple. His words do not match his actions. And, just yesterday, he said I am right in this. Yet, he keeps saying that he likes me !!??!! IF SO ... how the hell is it even possible that a man, any man, refuses blow jobs from his wife ????? A wife wanted by several other (young and handsome) men ? Especially if you consider that the 99% of males, of any era, of any ethnicity, anywhere in the world, at any given time, would be more than happy to be blown ... ... ... by ANY1 ... that breaths ??? I am just so LOST. And hopeless. And so done.