i hate the idea of living

ive been trying so fucking hard to be better and be positive for the past yeah but happiness is only temporary. each time i think that maybe life isnt so bad and im finally happy and taking care of myself, it all comes crashing down for no goddamn reason. i have great friends, a good social life, i live in a beautiful place, im dating the man of my dreams, im earning money, im working towards a degree, i love my family - so why do i still feel this way??? i’ll get like a month or so of genuine happiness and then wake up one random day and for no reason i cant even claw myself out of bed. and i think to myself - whats even the point of being alive??? i try to drag myself up every day nonetheless and go to my classes. i get home and collapse and wonder what the point even is. i skip one class and it avalanches into my attendance plummeting to the ground. i stay up late, doomscrolling, just to delay the inevitable arrival of tomorrow. for a month, i’ll do everything i’m supposed to. get up, go to class, go to work, eat well, have good hygeine, socialise, sleep properly. and then all of a sudden i’m burnt out. and doing these tasks makes me feel like shit. i spend all day alone lying in bed. i claim that this helps me recharge my social battery. i feel even worse about myself. why am i wasting away like this. everything is a chore. taking care of myself is a chore. making myself happy is a chore. i cant do anything. and to top it all off, this is supposed to be the peak of my life. everyone says that university is the peak. it all goes downhill from here. i graduate next year and then what? i get a job?? i work monday to friday 9-5? i do chores at the weekend? when do i even get to relax??? how am i meant to live another 50 years like this until i finally get to retire. and then i have too much time yet im too weak to even do anything with it. i want to enjoy the little things in life. i want to have a fun life. but i cant ever see that being a plausible scenario. i dont even want to kill myself - it would be too much of a burden for my friends and family. i dont want to hurt them. i just wish i could disappear and everyone would forget about my existence entirely. as if i never existed. but that isnt an option in this reality so all i can think about is suicide and hurting myself.