I feel like Maria from SH2

I don’t want to live because I don’t have any reason to. I can’t find the purpose for which I exist in this world and it feels like nothing I try works, I don’t feel good at anything anymore. And I don’t want to do anything anyway, each time I try something out of media consumption, it feels so big and colossal that I get so overwhelmed and just feel like going to sleep so I don’t have to face reality anymore. The pressure I feel put on me by my mere existence in this world, is too much and I’ve broken down to the point that I don’t think I’ll be able to meet it. And plus, nothing brings me enough joy anyway to the point where I would want to invest in it and face it. I see nothing in the future that I want to live and dream for, at least not anything society tells me is right anyway. The outside world scares and overwhelms me, I want to drop out of my school and run away until I’m all alone and in a place with just me, one where no one can look down on me, or look at me and say “told u so…he’s just as much of a loser as I thought he was”; a place where I don’t have to watch everyone go on to do great things while I stay here; them all looking down at me. It doesn’t inspire me to want to climb and prove everyone wrong in the things they think about me, but I just want to go back to where I feel safe and block everything out. I’m not a straight up hiki yet, but I was in the past and feel like my life is shifting toward that direction again and that I’m powerless to stop it, which just hurts all the more.

All I do now is just want movies, anime, YouTube videos; read manga, play various video games, and worry about everything. I also smoke weed all day (almost literally morning to night) to put a wall between me and the the rest of the world so that I can try to move around normally and ignore the fear I feel of others or the paranoia I have that they’ll ostracize me or say terrible things about me. But it often backfires and I end up getting panic attacks while high in public. It’s also not the best for productivity, now I mostly just sit in a quiet spot all day with no people and absorb media and feel terrible. Doing anything to distract myself for the persistent feeling that my life is over, I have no future, and that I should kill myself. But the truth is, I really don’t have a future.

I’m surrounded everyday by people doing great stuff and who will go on to do amazing things in this world. But me, I’ve fully stagnated and don’t know if I want to continue onward. Like I said, I don’t really want to live because I don’t have anything I want to do enough that ties me to this world (I really just wake up and drift through consciousness long enough until I can sleep again, putting off any real work I have to do or things which could get my life moving again, until tomorrow in which I’ll ignore everything again in favor of watching movies all day and playing games) and all I feel from being alive is a comfortable numbness on my best days (when I’m super high) and crippling anxiety, depression, pointlessness, hopelessness when I’m at my most frantic. I don’t want to die either tho.

Because I’m so, so scared of death and also still have a very faint prayer that one day God will toss me a bone or sum and magically fix all my problems or at least make my life manageable. This world is so cold, I don’t know how normal people go through it without losing their minds and all just giving up.

I sometimes dream of doing big things, I want to create something unique like a book or a movie or sum (cause I used to be decent at writing) but I don’t know how and don’t think I’m talented enough to anyway. It all feels so far away. Too scared to die, but I don’t love life enough to live consciously either or really to live as a functioning member of society who can do basic things. Maybe I was brought into this world to exist instead of to do, in which case I do a pretty good job. Exist and absorb is about the only two things I can do.

Maria from Silent Hill 2 talked about being too scared to die, and yet she can’t live either, her sole purpose on this earth is in relation to James. Without James there is no Maria, so how is she expected to live and be happy? This is how I feel, I have no life to live for myself and something I feel like my purpose on this earth is really just solely in relation to other people, either to make them happy or to be a cautionary tale or something. But I don’t even really have anyone I around me or that i could make happy right now, and the time for caring about my own happiness has long since passed (I probably don’t mean this deep down).

In short, I’m watching myself slowly become a hikikomori again; this time to a degree I’ve never seen before (because now I’m actually in college and not high school anymore) and I pretty much know that if I stay on this road I’ll end up truly all alone and with no way out, stuck in the hiki cycle. And yet I don’t have the strength, will power, or resources to prevent anything and I wouldn’t even know where to start.

And maybe this is what I want anyway. Maybe this world is just too cruel for people like me and that it’s only my fate to crash and burn, as a lesson to god to never make creatures like us again. I just can’t seriously understand why I must suffer so and live through this fate, if I’m hated enough by the universe to have to suffer in this manor, you’d think they’d just hurry up and finish me off already.

I feel like Maria from SH2. If I was born from a wish, then it’s cursed one from a rotten person indeed. I like some of what life has given me, but at this point I wish I’d never been born at all, that way I could have no knowledge of all the word has in store and never feel the pressure to explore it and go beyond myself to do something. I wish I could’ve stayed in the quiet comfort of nothingness for eternity.

No anxiety, no expectations, no chance for failure, no change, just nothing. My life now only replicates that as best it can, hence its tragedy.

What if I’m not doing enough, but worse, what if I’m fundamentally not enough to join society and grow into a functioning person. How do other people make it look so easy and seamless where if I follow my natural instincts, I wind up alone all day, anxious and with nothing to show for it. It’s all too much and I feel like I’m the problem. Running away might just be my favorite thing on earth, cause it’s easy and will never let u down when it comes to avoiding the unpleasant. But everything is unpleasant and all I have for joy now is instead the comfortable numbness of not feeling in danger. Being alone and unseen, like I was never even here to begin with. Not a burden for anyone, cause that’s all I’ve been made to feel like. And no one I’ve encountered wants to associate with a burden. And maybe I don’t either.