Seeking support on how to leave

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 months now. Beginning was a fairytale, his ex posted about him on a page on fb and outed him for all types of crazy stuff and I looked past it, he painted her to be toxic. Few months in everything was still great until I went to him about how something made me uncomfortable and tried to set a boundary. His ex roomate and him who he used to have sex with were texting and calling and he went behind my back and went to hangout with her after a fight. I brought it up everyday but I was dismissed and told I was being controlling. And they were just friends, I continually looked for reassurance and was constantly shut down and one night it violent and he lost his mind and cornered me and punched a hole in my door and spit in my face, I was petrified. I was stuck with the trauma of that for weeks I thought he was going to kill me and I still stayed. I forgot to mention his ex girlfriend got a restraining order on him, I see why now but he painted himself to be perfect and it was all her fault and I was vulnerable enough to believe him. It just got worse from there, anytime I bring up his verbal abuse or mental or physical or psychological abuse or him being cold or distant or stonewalling me or saying I can’t let go of the past, I’m compared to his ex and told I’m like every other woman and I’m so negative and I make him miserable but a weeks before he tells me I bring him peace and I’m the best woman he’s ever met. Now it’s to the point of me crying every single day, because I’m walking on eggshells constantly. I feel alone, he’s broken me down, and now I’m feeling hopeless, I tell him this and he just says I do love you. Nothing else. He’s staying in my house and he’s in school to get a new job and somehow everything he’s always going through is a reason he can’t focus on how he’s hurt me. I’ve been there through him losing jobs, after his toxic relationship and carrying the trauma of that he’s put into me. Today I finally caved after not telling him how I felt for days and was yelling how much he’s hurt me and I was crying and asking why doesn’t he love me and I was faced with I don’t like you anymore, I’ve emotionally checked out. He used to scream and yell but today he just watched me break down, a week ago I had a mental breakdown and almost called 911 because my nervous system is shot. Before he left today he grabbed me face and shook it and threw me on the bed. And left, i just want this to be over but I’m holding onto any hope. And I cannot understand how someone could easily just discard me like trash and not care about how their actions have affected me. I’ve been reading that leaving him will be very hard, and my worth is already shattered and him leaving me and finding someone new to do this to all over again sounds agonizing. I want to tell him to go and never look back but the anxiety and fear and I’m wondering what I could’ve done differently is going to drive me insane. I’m constantly stonewalled and ignored or no matter what I say or do I’m toxic and like every other woman. I have practically mothered him and taken care of him emotionally, mentally, physically. I was the kindest sweetest girl to him. He broke me and now blames me for everything. This time of year is so hard already with the holidays. Do I wait for new year and make a plan? I cannot fathom how someone can treat me so vile when I was so loving and kind to him but now that I call him on his abusive behavior, I’ve never done anything and he’s always done everything on his own and he doesn’t need me. Why do I deserve this. It’s mentally breaking me, I can’t believe i allowed this to go this far, I’m ashamed and embarrassed.