Life is hard fr tho

I did want to add an additional entry today, maybe to make up for the lack of entries for 82 days.

I want to be clear that I’ve dealt with so much in the past five years and it’s not coming to an end anytime soon. Still dealing with money troubles, barely getting by half the time, interpersonal, familial, professional, mentally.

There’s a lot of days where it feels like I’m destined to do this. Every single thing good and bad that ever happened to me molding me into the person I am today to be able to do this and be successful at this. God wiring my brain a certain way and giving me certain creative gifts to be able to succeed. There’s a set of stairs before me and each day I take another step, at the top is a giant Youtube following and behind me is every step from the day I was born. This path was laid out for me and I’ve finally found what I was made to do, I feel it in my bones.

Then there are the other days. I realize I’m gaslighting myself, there’s no grand path and there’s certainly no stairs. It’s a dirt road leading further into the trees deeper into the darkness. I’ve tricked myself in possibly my greatest feat yet, putting belief that I am special into my own heart.

And I think every day of my life I walk this tightrope carrying the burden of these two beliefs on either end of the pole, commencing the great balancing act from the moment I wake till the time I sleep.

I’m not sure which end is heavier, and if the heavier end weighs more because its lies or truth.

But if you’re reading this in a time where Testerino means something to people, makes them smile, inspires creativity, or helps to bring about a good change for even a few people.

Well, you’ll know the answer. If this post is sitting here collecting dust on an empty subreddit years from now?

Well, I’ll know the answer

But if there is someone in the future that reads this because my sacrifice and work paid off and I was actually right? This is for you. To know that the doubt you have and the disbelief you carry? Power through it. Believe in yourself even if it’s only a little. Protect that little spark of belief like the flame on a small candle in the middle of the wind. Guard it and press on, take that heavy step. Move forward despite your shoulders and back being crushed and bent from the weight of doubt and fear.

Be who you believe you are