Will my love ever truly reach you

Will I ever see you again.

NO , I would scream in denial of this reality in finally respecting the space you asked for. Consumed by regrets, and painful shameful feelings, so many questions and lessons trying so hard to make sense of all the chaos inside me and our shared past. In denial i still was refusing to love, forgive myself and grow and change. I am trying, I am learning, I am accepting, I am forgiving, I am shifting, I am aligning, I am Being.

This whole year I have been trying to BE and I am feeling it more and more as each day goes by it is becoming clearer and truer as the days go by. I finally am choosing to match desire to action for the reality i wish and know I deserve.

I’m attached to both of us the past of who I was the past of who I thought you were the idea of us the potential of everything within me, you and us.

I can’t be though, I’m not anymore and Ik I always have felt something for you. Not just physically not just ideally not just out of attachment and potential.

I miss you so much, not us not what we did, happened or had. I miss YOU I feel something so deep for YOU.

I never cherished or nurtured while I originally had you how selfish of me truly. I couldn’t figure it out or myself fully. How selfish of me to not put the work in for myself or for you. To not believe, to give up and to include you in my life long battle of apathy, vices, confusion, doubt, hurt, everything inside me. You have made it make sense though, this end is what’s really finally opened my eyes.

I fell in love with an idea of me an idea of you at first.

With my desires though I also fell in love with and have always had. I fell in love with our true selves. I felt it for a glimpse during our time together. The potential that lies beneath all the chaos inside us, the potential in Being finally.

I didn’t take the necessary actions during though, the universe practically begging me. I didn’t the whole year with everything or anything to do with my life even though it was my desire for so much growth and greatness this year. I didn’t love myself or you or anything I knew I deserved or had. I said I did Ik I do though and know I could and deeply wanted too. My actions weren’t matching any of my desires though. So reality didn’t oblige it became confusing it became this me lost trying to really figure it all out. I still was running and in the loop and cycle of hurt, doubt and past failures and loss. I still was fearful and didn’t believe, couldn’t do the work or make the choice to change in all the chaos.

I was crying my eyes out yesterday in fact everyday since we’ve ended. I can’t stop looking at your pictures. I can’t stop thinking of anything to do with you and us. I’m not attached, Its not just the idea or the past I think of it’s the knowing what lies beneath everything inside us and our past. Maybe it is potential maybe I’m selfish to believe this maybe I’m delusional. But no I can choose to not call it that. I can choose to create change to break this cycle to receive so much clarity finally. I can’t and won’t accept that it’s just the ideas and potential in us that started this and created this that we fell in love with. That it was just to receive a mirror in ourselves to learn more about ourselves just an experience just a past for both of us and we go our separate ways. That it was for this shift inside me and that it’d be without you and I can’t give you my all like always desired. My desire still and is to do everything with you, to give you so much, to love you, to BE with you.

Im forever sorry for my actions and I forgive myself and you for how what we had is maybe gone one chance and over with. How I was so stupid and apathetic still how I continued being what I hate in myself, how I used you, how I hurt you. How we did so much hurt to eachother how we bonded in trauma, hurt and avoidance. I refused to love myself I still was refusing to believe in myself and so were you too in yourself.

After crying at your picture saying please don’t hurt her when we were together after being confused why that was happening to me what I was feeling. Oh it was there and here all along the shift and feelings waiting to come out and feel and be seen, be chosen and believed. It came true though my biggest fear what I cried about. This is not and never was my intention never just an idea or potential past to let go of for me. It was always in me that you are powerful and ethereal. That we are great and have so much in store it always has been.

At first I would say you’re the one thing holding me together. The idea I told myself that your the one thing making me do anything for the last year that if I just had you, but it’s not true it’s not that naive and look what happened anyway. Its not what I always felt it’s not why I’m here doing this writing doing all this work inside me trying to change grow and accept and learn, trying to shift and break my cycles to learn to love. I am using all my energy and Being for this I am shedding those hurtful thoughts and feelings those untrue thoughts and feelings that past identity of hurt and dependence.

“you so cute” you would say and grab my face. Oh how bad I wish for it again please. I would always freeze in fear when you did I didn’t know how to accept it I didn’t think I deserved it.

Forgive me, yourself and us please give us another chance. Do I personally or do we even deserve one. Is this the idea that’s true that I can’t get through my head is love now making me blind am I being selfish knowing you’re lost and hurt too. Can I ask anything of you I just want to see and speak to you so bad.

I can accept if that’s true. I can, I can accept I might just have to love you from afar and hold you in my heart and in the way Ive learned and choose to love now. Hold you silently in every loving action forever.

I had what I thought I wanted at the time. What I had thought needed what I begged and craved for so bad and so did you. We will both always be grateful for what happened and who we were at the time and the feelings and time shared and felt. We tried with what we gave each other and had at the time and we had so many beautiful moments.

Those things weren’t true though I don’t need you I don’t beg for you and the soft easy love. I want you and the hard love, the working love, the choosing love, the intentional love.

I pushed you away though, i pushed myself away i lied to myself i lost my battle. I pushed down my desires i let my intentions and everything inside me get lost in the dark. The love I have for you and myself not shine through. It took losing you to realize, it took you to make it all make sense.

I want the best version of me and us and I was scared to choose it or be it. I was scared to love and take the actions for my desire. We gave this no choice other than to be like this we created this together with many mistakes and with the habits we wished to wither away. The people we both knew wanted to drop and cascade when we finally saw and felt eachother for the first time in November in February in March in all our time together leading to this point.

We thought we wanted to be it just for eachother but it wasn’t for us that was still the idea that we could do it the easy way. We still were refusing to change and do the work in ourselves and love ourselves truly.

I want to create again but now for me too I love myself I do. I want to change so much, I am changing and will continue to change and choose this love inside me. The one that has always been true no matter how or what ends up happening with us.

I am shifting I am finally choosing to feel so much that I was scared to choose work for accept and feel.

I want a “new kind of love” not fall in love with just a feeling or the ideas we had like the song we love says.

I want the love where my desire, my intention my choice, my commitment, my everyday is finally taking desire into action. To work on what me and you and us together truly have and deserve everyday. To actually let this love out to finally let it reach us. I want to fall in love with that feeling that choice to finally feel and BE.

I am in love with the work i am in love with that feeling. I always was and it had to be within us for us to even start this to feel us and this end.

I don’t want just memories or lessons or growth. I don’t want to be just a vessel or experience for eachother. I don’t want to let my true desires go i can’t. I refuse, i am not continuing this cycle and pushing away and not taking action for my true desires anymore. I don’t want a confusing reality anymore.

I want you, I want me, I want us I always have. I want to love you and myself like ik i can like I finally can choose too. To love everything around me like i always did. I want to choose it chase it and will take action. I love you, I love myself. I want to feel you I want to merge and live no longer in fear of ourselves and our greatness to manifest our destiny and BE together.

I finally want to be the best version of me what ik has been waiting to come out what I been denying, excusing and pushing away for so long.

I finally truly love myself because of this journey with you, because of you. I’m trying so hard to finally do and believe so much about myself I will take action everyday to withhold it.

I love myself i forgive myself and I do I love and forgive who I am and was. Everyday is a greater beautiful day and I will choose to withhold this shift and love inside me always forever now.

I want to do everything I always know i was capable of, everything I wanted to for me and for you and for us and for everyone around me and that I love in my life.

Ik someone’s listening I’m listening the YOUniverse is listening and aligning. It’s my desire it always was it is true.

I will take any action necessary inside me for my desires. I choose it everyday no matter what way this love comes true or shines through it is true for you always.

I accept this shift. I am trying to shift even more things are aligning ik they are aligning, I am aligning.

I love myself I love the experience I love this shift I love you.

I don’t just love the idea I genuinely love you ik I do everything about you that I do know.

It may be blindly it may be not fully understood but I intentionally choose to love you.

I always have had the desire and I will take the action in the way I love myself everyone and anything for the rest of my life. In the way you’re in my heart and apart of me forever.

I want to do this I choose everyday one day at a time to do me do the work grab my desires do what I truly want and truly have with the love that has always been inside me.

It’ll come it will BE I am finally Being like I always know I desired.

We will meet again, we will, ik we will somehow someway because I wouldn’t be the true me or love truly without meeting you and you deserve to see this you created this along side me, you deserve this love hopefully it can truly reach you.

I am the all knowing powerful creator of my destiny my reality my YOUniverse. I am finally Being.