Thanks for getting it through to me

Thanks for getting it through my thick fucking skull. I'm unlovable. I spent my entire adult life working on myself, improving my attitude, personality, beliefs, until I was someone I thought was worthy of love. And then came the disappointments. You know about these. The two girls I tried to date who told me I was a great guy and they liked me but they weren't in a position to date at that time, only to get together with someone else a week later, both times at a party basically right in front of me.

Then you came along, told me I was special, the greatest person you've ever met. And we dated. For a few blissful months I thought that all my hard work had paid off. I finally was someone deserving of love. But then you came to me told me you needed to break up, take time to heal from past traumas. You told me we'd stay in each other's lives, that this wasn't the end, that we'd still get to do the things we discussed doing. Told me I was a good guy but you just weren't in the position to date right now. I knew what was going to happen then. At least this time you didn't do it in front of me at a party, you just texted me and told me you were giving him another chance, that he's actually changed and won't hurt you again. It was a week, just like the previous women.

I didn't ask what I did wrong this time. It finally got through to me. I don't deserve love. I was meant to be alone and unhappy. If I wasn't then I wouldn't be continuously used and discarded like this. I wouldn't be constantly told how great I am just to be left out in the cold while everyone else finds love. So I'm done trying to date. Done trying to put myself out there just to get hurt over and over and over again. I've experienced what love has to offer me and it's not worth it anymore.

I don't blame you or anyone else. It's my fault I know. Probably paying for some sins of the past I'm not aware of. I'm not mad at anyone. I'm just sad that this is what life has to offer me. I don't believe in a higher power typically but I can recognize a pattern when there is one. I hope he makes you happy and you're right about him changing. I don't want you hurt again.

I'm done.