I am a perfectionist and it’s ruining my life.

I am desperate for any kind of advice, insight, or strategy that might help get me out of this hole I’ve dug myself into.

For some background, I am a highly anxious person. I didn’t realize it until recently, I thought my way of thinking and going about life was completely normal. As a matter of fact, I have had so many mental health challenges hiding beneath the surface, I’ve always managed JUST well enough for it to go relatively undetected and have somewhat minimal consequences on my life.

But lately I am starting to realize the real impacts that it’s having on my life. I am now an adult, 22, living in an apartment with a roommate, (trying to be) a full time student pursuing my License of Veterinary Technology, a full time employee at an ER animal hospital, in a long term committed relationship, and trying my best to keep my physical health a priority as I want to age well and be mobile and sharp and capable in old age and that is created in youth. I am also someone with a very broad range of hobbies, trying to sharpen my skill in various fields including drumming and painting, sewing, the list goes on.

But it’s all. Too. Much. I am drowning. I’m so tired, so overwhelmed, so discouraged. With school and my career, I know exactly what I want, and it is the ONLY thing I want. I want to stay in vet med and I will NOT lower my standards for myself. But because of how high the stakes feel for me, every little mistake makes me sick to my stomach. I’m riddled with paranoia and anxiety that I’m not good enough and that I’ll get fired from my job or that I’ll never be cut out for this. I’m also compassion fatigued from the awful things I see in my ER each day. Animals hit by cars, abused, neglected, suffering. Humans grieving and mourning and then taking their pain out on us. I feel demoralized and am having a hard time applying myself to my work because of how empty my tank is.

And school is a massive strain as I have diagnosed ADHD and have always struggled with academic performance. I hate school but I committed myself with the belief that it would be a worthy sacrifice to be somewhat miserable for a time if it meant I could guarantee myself a role in a community and profession I am so passionate about.

Same thing with the my physical health. It is so important to me, and I used to go to the gym and weight train 5 days a week with no problems, but at one point it just became too much. The idea of getting myself there and executing an entire workout feels insurmountable and unfathomable. And it used to be that if I didn’t feel like going I would go anyways, and feel better and more energized after the fact, but for months now, every time I go I can barely get through the workout and even if I do I leave feeling more drained than before. It doesn’t even feel worth it.

I am drowning. I’ve been neglecting school for weeks, my college is emailing me with alerts to pick back up on my classes, I’m getting in trouble at work because of my performance, I’ve skipped the gym for months and gained weight because of it, I barely pick up my drumsticks more than once every two weeks if I’m lucky. And I am so unbelievably hard on myself because of all this. I’m so tired and all I ever want to do is scroll and sleep. I don’t even have the energy or the will to do things I actually enjoy, and even when I do have the energy, I don’t because I feel like I don’t deserve to do anything fun because my actual responsibilities are being neglected. I’ve been sleeping 11-12 hours a night, and then I promise myself I will finally get back on track in the coming days, but then I don’t, and I then beat myself up the same way again. I feel so worthless and useless and hopeless. My lack of effort is affecting my relationship with myself and I don’t know how to fix it.

I’ve tried countering the negative self talk, being more forgiving with myself, not shaming myself for resting and giving myself grace, but I feel like this has only enabled me to continue to neglect my responsibilities and myself. I’ve tried taking baby steps towards my goals, reminding myself that an hour of studying each night (instead of the 6-7 hours a day that I would LIKE to be doing) is better than none. Or going to the gym for 30 minutes instead of an hour. Reminding myself that messy consistency is better than giving it zero and that my efforts will add up over time. And i’ve tried engineering my surroundings to set myself up for success. Putting my gym clothes or my school work in plain view, habit stacking.

I’ve also been battling anorexia nervosa for 6+ years and have been medically underweight numerous times in my life because of this. I am healthier now but the thoughts are still there, a constant drain of my energy and I am trying so hard to care for myself the way I would care for a loved one. I’m tired of suffering and I want better for myself but it is always there scratching at the back of my mind, trying to lure me back into it. It’s a constant battle with myself several times a day.

In all honesty I would love a therapist but even THAT feels like it’s own mountain. I really want a therapist I can connect with. I had a really horrible experience with a therapist not too long ago which has really deterred me, and I am afraid of having the same thing happen. I am willing to seek a new therapist but I don’t even know where to start looking and I haven’t even an iota of energy to try.

What it all comes down to is that I am so cruel to myself about how much I have been struggling and I don’t know how to get out of it, but I am worried that it is only making it worse. Like I said before, I feel physically ill over any minor mistake, paranoia that everyone hates me, and I often feel like if I cant do something exactly how I want to do it or perform to the high standards I have for myself, then it’s not worth trying at all. I know this is perfectionism and anxiety. I’m very aware of everything but I am hoping that someone has some advice or insight or that there is something I’m missing so that I can keep trying. I feel like I’ve exhausted all other avenues.

I am so ashamed of myself and my neglectful behavior these last few months. I am sorry for this massive dump but I feel so alone and I don’t know what else to do. Thank you if you’ve read this far.