Purposely gave myself anorexia to become more masculine

I like the control aspect, yes, but i began restricting severely a few months ago and I've lost a large amount of weight (not getting into specifics because i didn't exactly keep track at first and I don't want to trigger anyone).

It all started because i realized that fat = boobs. Excess fat = estrogen surplus. Disordered eating= period stops. Female = usually higher body fat percentage.

Being fat is disgusting to me because it all settles in the most feminine places and means my body is healthy enough. Health means thst a body that isn't truly mine is being nourished. I can see my ribs and my veins a lot more than before. My period hasn't come in a while (i don't keep track because it makes me extremely dysphoric).

I still have so much belly fat and hip fat. I hit my GW a month ago but i need to keep going until my hips, chest, and stomach are man enough. I need to keep going until my uterus shrivels and dies. I don't want to do any of this but i really don't have an option. If i was just born a man i wouldn't need to force my body to be right. I can't tell anyone because my mom will shape this into me thinking im a man because i hate myself for beibg a fat girl or something. I hate my body because im deformed and im doing all i can to fix the deforminities with no support.

Im exhausted all the time and im working out constantly but im so dysphoric knowing that i have to work 10x harder than other guys to be like them.

I don't want to recover until i fix myself and i know that i can completely stop once I fix my body. I notice the disordered eating thinking patterns but I don't bother to stop them yet because they're helping me. I can't tell my therapist bc she'll stop me (understandably. I know exactly what im doing and how bad it is. Im in hell though and im doing all that i can)

Please tell me there are other guys here with the same view because i never see anyone else like me.