Conflicting feelings regarding the events and choices I made today

I had to call EMTs to bring my father to the ER today. He hasn’t been to a doctor in at least 2 decades… I won’t give details because I don’t want to put too many personal details online… although this sub makes it hard not to bare your soul when you don’t have anyone else to truly confess stuff like this to.

I woke up this morning worrying about what excuse I’d give to my father and brother about why I was leaving the house (to get liquor). I had a few shooters/nips/whatever you want to call them. I had 2 of them to help with shakes. Anyways, my father had ended up throwing up for some hours, where I, as the eldest child, offered to go to a store to pick up some supplies for him. Therein lay my key excuse to be out and about. I stopped at the liquor store before I went to the department store in the same plaza. Easy.

Once I got back, after about 45 minutes, I realized that his symptoms were concerning considering the time of onslaught, and my brother and I made the same executive decision (based on other factors as well) to call emergency services. EMTs arrived, and once they loaded him up and left, I snuck up to my room once or twice for a swig of the vodka I had bought under the guise that I was changing or going to the bathroom. I packed a couple nips in a bag just in case we had to be there for a number of hours.

My brother drove us after the EMTs left. We sat in the ER waiting room for a while, waiting for my father to be deemed ready for visitors. I went to the bathroom and took a half shooter/nip in there. Was fine for the duration of the hospital visit - my father was discharged a couple hours later with a good prognosis. I hadn’t consumed anything at all yet today besides some fruit juice and the widely-spaced small amounts of vodka.

Made it back home, made some soup for my father and brother, and excused myself after a couple hours of TV bonding so that I could get my “proper fix” of vodka, a little weed, and then I’d be ready to eat finally.

Guilt is already a huge thing for us on this sub… But I can’t help but feel horrible because I could’ve been more inebriated before the executive ER decision… The last time I went to the ER for another person is also when I had just started my “drinking routine” for the night.

TL;DR (kinda): what I’m wondering about is others on this sub who have been in similar situations… AKA emergency medical situations involving loved ones, where you were prevented from being fully present/arriving/receiving news/etc because you were intoxicated.