SKL Since then... i never went to church

My eldest brother passed away on 2023, just a day after my nephew's birthday.

Since then di na ko nagsimba sa Catholic Church. No hate intended, just me realizing na my Catholic faith is unti unting nawawala. If magsimba man ako, ayun is with my family kapag Christmas or New Year ganun.

To give you a brief background, i studied in a Catholic school from Kinder to Grade 6. Kaso my stay in there was more traumatizing than me being happy to the point na wala ako masyado memories nung bata and wala din akong naging friends.

Based on my memory, I did two bad things pero not to the point naman na naexpelled ako. I was a very shy and quiet girl. Wala rin akong awards noon...kaya nabully ako.. verbally and emotionally.. I know na nabully ako since may mga naging kaklase ako noon na up until now, just thinking about them makes me anxious. Di ko man naaalala pero the feeling is familiar. I know kasalanan ko din talaga kase i did something pero dapat bang mabully ako?? Kaya as i grow older always kong iniisip, i am scared. Always ko ring iniisip na maybe i'm like this now kase pinagbabayaran ko yung dati pero on the side, gano katagal to'? Nagbago na naman ako so bakit ganito pa rin?

Then i discovered Buddhism... bit by bit..until I said, My peace is now in Buddhism.

My curiousity started even before my brother died.

No one invited me, no one asked me... it's just my own free will or more like i was pulled by how the teachings are so profound and practical.

No one to "praise", No one to "fear", No one to "adore"

I like that Buddhism teaches to accept change, trying to avoid attachments, and bliss and suffering are just part of our lives. We are the master of ourselves. Whatever we do, it's on us.

We ask for guidance and wisdom pero never beg for miracles since it's still on how we act at the end of the day.

All the things that happens are destined to happen base sa actions natin that affect both our past and future. it's all connected . We are too, one way or another.

What is important is now. How we act now, how we think, and how we speak.

As long as we are not harming or destroying anything, then it's all good.

The concept of reincarnation also attracts me... that even if we die (our body), we still have the chance to be alive--in any form, depending on how we act and treat others on our past lives.

This is the mindset and widom I have when my brother passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. Shocked kami lahat and malungkot syempre, pero in my mind, i will embraces the loneliness and accept the fact and reality na tapos na ang life niya with us.

Di ko pa to' nasasabi verbally sa family ko especially sa mother pero, i think naman alam niya history ko dun sa Catholic school, pero dun sa bully incident.. i doubt kase even nung HS, same school pa rin ako inenroll and tiniis ko lahat sa loob loob ko. 😭 As for me becoming a buddhist, I know she felt it. Di na ko sumasama sa kanya sa church. Di na rin ako nasa-sign of the cross.

Idagdag ko rin pala, topic of LGBTQ+ is still taboo for the Catholic Church, like being one is considered a sin. But in Buddhism, this isnt a big deal. Love has no gender.

Buddhism really improve my perception is so many things... as in many trival things..

Ayun lang...

Happy Bodhi day! Happy Englightenment day! Happy Awakening day!