Can not stop thinking about the times I have been sexually assaulted

I have been sexually abused several times as a kid and once during my second year of college. At first I thought nothing of it for a few years (this applies to both) when all of a sudden the realization came to me that I was molested as a kid and raped as an adult. Before the second assault, the first one always lingered in the back of my mind to tge point where I had to temporarily do therapy during highschool. However after putting off the second assault for a few years it came up when I was talking to my partner, which was the point where I realized what happened.

I already hated my life because of my first assault and not being able to stop it, (i was asked if i wanted to play by my abuser and i ended up getting molested), he was also very abusive to my mom, which made me truly scared of him and what he would do with my mom or me. I always feel tormented about it to the point where I wish death on myself every day just so I would never have to relive it. It even got to the point where I started abusing Benadryl and Robotussin not only to get high enough to not remember it, but to slowly kill myself, i ened up stopping because my local riteaid closed down.

However when I realized I got raped my life just seems to get worse and worse. Its gotten to the point where it occupies most of my thoughts throughout the day. The past month has been particularly brutal for me mentally, literally every day and night its on my mind. I've began cutting up my arms and thighs because of how much I hate myself and my life, I have began to mix my meds with alcohol near daily (I take quetiapine, zolof, respridone, lurisidone, prazosin, and clonanzapam)

I tried therapy for years and even currently, however it usually just ends up making me worse as i would be forced to recount my thoughts (because of this I call them crying appointments). A little part of me wants to be raped at gunpoint, on the slight chance that I might finally get to appreciate my life. I still wish death upon myself every day, I just wish that a stray bullet would just hit me in my skull and kill me.

Is there any way to cope with this nonstop torment. Its such a painful thing to relive. I am on a shit ton of meds because of my poor mental health and although they numb the feeling of remembering they never help me to forget. I am losing precious sleep over all this bullshit and I am to the point where I am willing to die just to forget all of what happened