My ex is giving me mixed signals, what should I do moving forward?

Hey guys. this post as some triggering stuff about self harm, suicide, drug use, and eating issues.

I don’t really post on reddit but i’m looking for relationship advice about my ex boyfriend. I was very recently diagnosed with bpd after struggling for around 6 years and have also been told by a clinical psychiatrist I have bipolar disorder (rapid cycling i believe). I also suffer from other mental health issues like Autism, separation/general/social anxiety, and depression. a lot i know.

Anywho, my ex and I were in a relationship for around 6 months, and overall it was a bumpy relationship. the first half of our relationship went well until I feel into a spiral of substance abuse and was falling into hypomanic / manic episodes, as well as constant splitting, all due to the drugs compatibility with my medication (aripiprazole). The relationship ended very suddenly when our disagreement led up to an argument. we went to a councillor to try sort it out one last time and he admitted that during the whole relationship he has been scared to express how i make him feel due to the fact i have reoccurring suicidal ideation and self harm issues. this lead to me splitting and walking out of the session (i said that if the councillor didn’t work we were over), causing our breakup. I then proceeded to try and end my life in my schools bathrooms. Once i came back to my senses in hospital, i text him constantly, begging not to breakup but he said that i ended it and it was going to stay that way. we had one more conversation a few weeks later where he said he needed space and hugs goodbye. so for the next 2 months, we didn’t speak.

through that breakup we both did a lot of things wrong. He wasn’t giving much effort into the relationship like i was, and walked away without considering my feelings. but i do under he needed to do that for his own mental health and that he was keeping himself safe.

Since then i had been going very good. i started seeing a psychologist and a new psychiatrist, started 2 new medications, got diagnosed, stopped doing the drug i was addicted to, started doing the things i love again like running and gyming, and started talking to a girl who really liked me that i liked back.

a week or two ago, he called me drunk late at night and asked to meetup because he “was in the area”. and me still being deeply in love and high out of my mind, agreed immediately. it was while i was with a few friends, including the girl i was talking too. he came and hung out with us then we all went back to my house. me and my ex ended up separating from the group and talking untill sunrise. we went to our old spot behind my house, and sat there for a bit too.

we ended up talking about our relationship, i realised i still loved him, so i told him. i also mentioned i didn’t know how he could fall out of love so quickly, he disagreed with my statement, suggesting he still loves me too. we did both agree that we didn’t work out though. i admitted to doing many things wrong. i talked about how iv changed in the months broken up. he asked to stay as friends, and i agreed saying “that’s the best i can get”. he also said at one point that hes very lost and confused without me, and that he didn’t know what he wants to do about that. later we fell asleep in my bed, together. that whole night and day he was very close to me all the time, not to sure why considering he want to be just friends.

after that meetup we didn’t talk for 2 weeks. because of that hangout things ended with me and the girl i was talking too. the chat also made me very sad for some reason, i fell back. i was missing work, i stopped doing the things i love, relapsed (SH), and spent every day at home. worst of all i stopped eating. i faint almost daily, i get cold all the time, my hair is falling out, my ribs and sternum are showing, iv lost 6kg, and all iv eaten in the past 2 weeks is 3 eggs and infinite coffee. (this obviously isn’t his fault it’s just the way i react to this type of situation) i started writing poetry as an outlet. then i started to pull myself together again.

yesterday, i saw him again at a party. we were both drunk and ended up chatting away again. he showed me some of his songs he’s been writing and i ended up showing him my poetry all about him (after a lot of convincing, saying that he will love it and he doesn’t mind that it’s all about loving him still). he loved the poetry, and shed a tear. he said it was beautiful and that i have a talent. and after i stopped talking to him later that day i felt like shit again. i left the party for a bit and sat alone outside for an hour. the rest of the night i felt weird, i almost regretted talking to him, i felt like i couldnt deal with just being friends. i cant deal with how easily he can just accept my love and still stay friends.

i’m not sure how to move forward with my ex. i don’t know if i should try and move on and stay friends, if i should move on and stop being friends completely, or, if i should keep loving him because it’s clear there is a CHANCE he might comeback. he is a very open and kind guy, and i don’t want to stop loving him. iv learnt new ways to cope with my habits, and im more that ready to try again because i think that i would do way better now in a relationship. what should i do moving forward and how should i cope with that option?