How do you cope when you’re in love with a close friend?

I (27/F) have developed romantic feelings with my close friend (27/M) for about 3 years. We’ve known each other since high school, went through major milestones together, and now we are workmates. We’re extremely close—I know things about him he barely shares with anyone, and he knows a lot about me too.

He tells people he’s pansexual, but honestly… I’m pretty sure he’s gay. He’s mainly attracted to men, has had casual hookups with men, uses apps like Grindr, and his exes have been men. He’s also HIV-positive and was sexually abused when he was younger. I know all this, and I care for him deeply, but it makes my feelings complicated and sometimes unbearable.

The thing is… he’s completely different around me. He teases me, remembers the tiniest details about my likes and dislikes, and does things that show he “gets me” in a way no one else does. He knows my favorite things, my habits, my quirks—and sometimes I feel like I have this special, private connection with him. We’ve spent time together a lot, watching movies, going to places together, it was almost as if we were dating and those memories are all burned into my heart.

But reality hits hard. He always use dating apps and his preference there are mostly men. Every time I hear about his hookups with men, or see him flirting it hurts like hell. I try to remind myself it’s not personal, that he’s allowed to live his life, but it still breaks me a little every time.

I’ve carried these feelings quietly for 3 years, trying to act normal and treasure our friendship, but it’s exhausting. Every little thing he does makes my heart race, yet every day I feel the sting of unrequited love. I don’t want to confess and risk losing him, but I also don’t know how to stop hoping.

Here’s something that confuses me even more: whenever I’ve asked him if he could like a girl, he always answers something like, “Of course, it’s possible.” But it never goes beyond that. Since I saw him being heavily attracted to men. I don’t know if that’s just him being polite or if there’s some hidden possibility that he could actually like me.

Reddit… is it possible he could have feelings for me, or am I reading too much into our closeness and shared moments? How do you cope with unrequited feelings when someone is this close, special, and emotionally impactful in your life?

Has anyone else been in a situation like this—where your feelings for a close friend are intense, complicated by their sexuality, past trauma, and sexual life, and you feel like you’re living in two worlds: one where they’re the person you adore, and one where they’re just… your friend? How did you cope or move on without destroying the friendship?