Being born trans has ruined my life

I can't deal with this anymore, I'm loosing access to HRT because my doctor just suddenly ghosted me for no reason. I don't get it, everything was going great for nearly 3 years and she's also trans so she should understand, but apparently not. I've been completely out of HRT for over a week now and I don't know what to do, there's is still no sign of my doctor, I've looked into DIY and it's too expensive. My mom is already reluctant to pay for my HRT from a doctor, and they don't care enough to help with DIY. My body going to start remasculinizing and then after every change has been reversed it's going to become even more masculine than it was before and I just can't deal with that again. Just ending it is very quickly becoming my only option, I wish I was strong enough to do it. My dad would be probably happy to finally be rid his faggot disappointment of a son. It's not like i have a whole lot of friends either, and realistically I'm far more attached to them than they are to me. I was born into the wrong body, a body that wants nothing more but to permanently twist and stretch and mangle itself without end. I'm just not strong enough for this. No one I know knows how to help, and honestly I don't even know how to help myself, my friend was trying to be supportive and the words "you're right, you'll never be cis" have been echoing in my mind for several months. On paper, I should be happy, my life is honestly pretty good and I'm really lucky for that, but all of that is ruined by dysphoria. I don't see why I should keep trying and failing to squeeze any tiny amount of fulfillment or happiness when that just isn't possible. I don't care if this only life I get anymore, I'd rather be and feel nothing than be a dysphoric tranny at this point.