im scared of myself

im gonna try to sum as much as possible into as short a paragraph as possible

i cut for the first time in over a month just now (11/03 was my last) i was so fucking proud of myself and i ruined it again like i always do always have the past year and half. i have 2 suicide attempts already, and now that i cut again, i can feel my self control going away. im worried ill cut too deep, or that ill try to fucking kill myself. its like im not in control anymore, and im scared of what ill do. i was so proud of myself too, a month and 3 days? that was the longest id ever gone without cutting since march of 2024. i ruined it

im not gonna get into why i cut/feel how i do in this subreddit right now.

i dont know what i want from you guys, i just want to tell someone and feel less alone