im losing it

i haven't seen my fp since maybe wednesday night last week. things were tense and quiet because i've been in a depressive episode. he greeted me differently, he didn't engage much, it felt distant. it freaked me out and he was MIA for a couple days after that, but i found out it was because he lost his phone.

tonight was terrible. im taking classes and im failing all 6 of them. semester is in a few days and im overwhelmed and angry and depressed. i lost my two closest friends a few months ago, so my support system is basically completely gone. tonight i texted the people i care about telling them i love them and that i was happy that i know them and then i started cutting in hopes of bleeding out. obviously, it didnt work. i am okay and safe. i texted my fp and he told me he doesnt think i should be in a relationship with him since hes so busy and he cant give me the attention i need. that made me completely spiral and now im laying out in my living room completely destroyed.

i've felt this emptiness in my chest, like a void. i feel completely empty. i don't even know how to properly explain it, and im a poet. these complex feelings are way too complex for me. i feel like im failing everyone. i feel broken, useless. i feel like im nothing. this feeling, it's disgusting. it's disheartening. it's terrifying. im losing everything, ive been losing everything. i cant do this anymore, im so done. tonight was me giving up. tonight was supposed to be my end. i can't do this anymore.