Working Title: blurry lines

You put your arm around me as we walk down the pavement, we’re laughing, our faces close. This is the first touch. I’ve seen your eyes, finding mine, avoiding me. So far apart in the beginning, how could I make small talk with you. What is there to say when I’m watching myself so carefully around you. Better to be cold than to let it show, better to be short than to let myself feel. And then, your arm around me, the first touch, the barrier broken, weeks of restraint out of the window, I’m addicted and get high on the warmth, of your closeness, your smile, my drink. It only lasts seconds but I’m in a blur, I have no control, I’m floating in a river, the current inevitably dragging, leading, pushing me closer to you, again and again and again. Your arm around me, only for seconds, only for a few steps. My body is on fire, I can’t think, you become the oxygen I need, want, crave. You make me feel wild and I burn and burn and burn. My hand on your back, your fingers on my waist, you’re brushing, holding, pushing. In the darkness it’s everywhere and it’s all I want. We keep going, lost, nothing can stop me. You squeeze, I tease, we dance. We sneak off. I know I’m playing with fire, I can feel it burning me.

I’m leaning against you, our hands hidden, intertwined. We walk, hands brushing, stroking, holding. Still hiding. We stand, I don’t know what to do with myself, my head floating far away, you leave. I stare at my phone, I’m frozen, can’t move, can’t think. I don’t know where I am or where I should go, adrenaline is rushing through my body, I’m the eye of the storm. What just happened?

And then, you. Coming back. Relief, anticipation, panic. We walk, we talk, I keep it light, it’s all a blur, I feel like screaming, I’m tearing, my heart so big I’m stretched thin. I never want this to end, I want to be close and closer, I think about kissing you. A line I can’t cross, a line that’s solid and yet I dream. We hug, faces close, we say goodbye and other things. Your eyes find mine, again, this time so close. Blue, alive, daring and… You’re better than me, you step back, break the spell with words I know, words that should bring me back to reality but there I am. Still floating, in the middle of the road, I look back but you’re gone, I look back again, you’re not coming back. I’m glad and I’m destroyed, it’s over and I’m left floating, pulled apart in every direction, I have no center, no weight, no body. I’m feelings and want and adrenaline. I’m high and drunk and happy - ecstatic even. I had dreamed of this, I had longed for you and now…

I will feel your hand on my waist pulling me into you. I will remember your fingers stroking mine behind my back. I will remember the pull, the force, the heat. I will remember you, the highest high before the end.

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Any feedback welcome. What title would you give this?