My situationship (M20)is super annoying and cold to me (F19)

So I (F19) met this dude (M20) on internet 3 months ago. He told me from the beginning he didn't want a relationship but still flirted with me. I came to his country twice because I was starting to really love him. Things went really well irl and we decided to be something between a couple and friends because he really didn't want to date. Then I messed up by calling my ex when I was drunk and things started going wrong there. I went back to his country right after and things got way worse there. I insisted a lot to see him and i thrown all my emotions at him. He wanted a no contact after because I was too intense in his opinion and he couldn't handle it but I love him so of course I didn't agree and I insisted again. When I came back to my country things were pretty cold between us and slowly became softer but then I texted one of his friend to get a gift idea and he got mad because "I'm getting into his intimacy" so he was really pissed. I forgot to mention that I have bpd so I feel everything stronger and the fact that he was so mad at me made me feel really bad I tried killing myself, I regretted it immediately and made myself throw up. And I told him and he got even more mad and blocked me. I attempted a second time but I had to go to the hospital. And he didn't block my number so I called him there to tell him I was ok now. And at night he called me completely drunk giving me his address and ton of other private informations, he wasn't cold at all we were even laughing. But the next day he was back to not wanting to call and being extremely cold. He used to tell me he liked me a lot and now he's saying that he dosnt hate me but don't like me either. I called him yesterday and he was super annoyed so after the call I texted him "I finally get it I will stop chasing sorry" he still didn't answer or even saw my text. So I don't want to be annoying anymore by texting him when he dosnt want to talk to me but I really love him and I already miss him... I feel like I was just good to fuck and to be here when no one was. Anyway I'm really pissed because I love him but I feel like he hates me and after my yesterday message I don't see myself texting him again. I feel like I'm wrong in this situation for still wanting him even though he was so clear that he didn't want to talk to me. I'm pretty lost right now... Does anyone have a clue what I'm supposed to do in this situation? If any precision needed don't hesitate :))