Harsh, but true.

This is a kind of story. Sometimes it may sound harsh.

In 2016, I realized that Islam was not true, and after that I stopped praying with an open mind. I tried to learn a little about Christianity, but that too didn’t feel convincing to me. But naturally, as someone who grew up Muslim, I had learned about Jesus since childhood — the one who spoke from the cradle, who raised the dead by God’s command — this is how Islam introduces Jesus.

There was a person who made my life hell, someone I had always hated. He was a kind of narcissistic personality. One day, unable to tolerate the cruelty he showed me, I broke down inside and began to pray. Who was I praying to? Certainly not to Allah — but to Jesus. Clearly, I asked like this:
“God, I don’t know if You exist or not. But You know my heart clearly. I am weak. Please help me. Give this person, who is betraying me, blood cancer. If that happens, I will believe in You.”

For many people this prayer may sound extremely cruel, but it is the truth. He was the one who destroyed my life.

And amazingly, the exact disease I had prayed for came to him within about a year. He lived for about 1.6 more years with that illness, and then passed away. It has been nearly three years since his death.

Many times, that prayer I made comes back to my mind. Sometimes I wonder, did God actually listened my prayer? I don’t know what to do. There is a huge void inside me. If I don’t fill it with something, I feel like I will lose my sanity.