Treating the Root - Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is a skill we begin learning as infants. Unlike many animals, humans are born dependent on parents not just for survival, but to learn how to function. We are born wired for connection. The way we are parented triggers a cascade of changes, genetically, cognitively, and socially, that have long-term effects on our ability to self-soothe. (Reference: The "Still Face" Experiment).

I lacked that essential connection as a child and teenager. This void resulted in layers of protective mechanisms and unhealthy patterns. I learned that silence equals safety, that love equals pain, and that the weight of the world was somehow my fault.

Around age 11 or 12, my brain looked for independence, which is natural. However, because I hadn't learned to process emotions healthily, I made poor decisions. In the early 2000s, I turned to the Internet. It seemed to cover every feeling I had: boredom, sadness, anger, love, and sexual arousal.

I was hooked immediately. Before this, I was an active, physically healthy child who played basketball and socialized. But the addiction took over. I gained weight, became isolated, failed in school, and didn't finish my degree. By 16, I hit a peak in internet usage and a rock bottom in well-being, experiencing suicidal thoughts for the first time.

This internet addiction continues to this day. While I managed to cut out social media, gaming, and binge-watching Youtube, I never managed to stop watching porn. It followed me everywhere, occupying an insanely large part of my daily thoughts.

Through years of therapy, I learned to identify the root causes. I realized I had programmed my brain to follow a specific loop:

Bad Feelings -> Porn -> Orgasm

Now, when I feel that nervous "tingling" in my chest urging me to watch porn, I pause. I try to identify if I am actually feeling insecure, bored, or sad, and if the loop is trying to run simply to numb those feelings.

I had to start confronting the feelings I had bottled up for over 20 years. For the first few weeks, this approach worked incredibly well, and I was able to make real progress. Yet, I felt that something was still not right. I realized that my emotional coping mechanism wasn't the only thing triggering the porn usage...

Treating the Triggers - Day to Day Life Regulation

Even after addressing the emotional roots in therapy, I realized I couldn't handle digital devices responsibly. Just holding a phone would trigger something; lying down with a laptop was a death sentence for my sobriety.

I decided to introduce a few strict measures in my day to day life. But these would fail miserably. (I'll explain why in the final part of this story)

I gave my wife full power over my device usage. She would hide them and lock them, and I was only allowed to use a device in front of her. I added blockers to all my devices via OpenDNS, meaning if I wanted to peek, I would have to manually change the DNS settings first. I even bought a smartwatch with LTE so I could leave the house without a phone, hoping the trigger would simply vanish if the device wasn't there.

As a nuclear option, I established accountability: I gave my word to my wife that if I found a way to watch porn despite these barriers, I would call her immediately and tell her, "I'm about to watch."

But there was one variable I didn't calculate in all these equations: My wife.

Imagine the responsibility she felt. In her head, she became responsible for her husband’s health. Imagine the pressure. Every time I did something unusual, she became nervous, checking on me.

After finally seeing this, I took the responsibility back. I understood that there is no babysitting for this addiction. I have to learn to regulate this myself, not her.

Treating the Engine - ADHD & Dopamin Regulation

"ADHD brains crave quick dopamine hits to combat understimulation, and porn’s endless novelty provides exactly that, leading to compulsive patterns that reinforce each other."

I have ADHD, and I didn't understand the huge role it played in my unhealthy porn usage. I didn't even seriously consider it in the beginning. Then I read that ADHD brains are 2.5x more likely to be addicted to porn. I was like, wtf.

I figured out that, in the background, there is another loop running parallel to my coping loop. My brain created this cycle:

Dopamine Shortage -> Porn -> Orgasm -> Dopamine Shortage-> Porn -> Orgasm -> (Repeat until exhaustion)

My ADHD brain doesn't want to deal with a dopamine shortage and punishes me if I don't feed it right away. I’m talking about physical pain, headaches, a feeling of nausea, and a nervous tingling in my genitals to the point where I feel like I could go insane.

The triggers are everywhere. I could eat a snack and the loop would start running. I could feel joy and the loop would start running. I could be hyperfocused on something, stop, and the loop would start running. I can even sit at my laptop writing this post on Reddit, get a little hit of dopamine from feeling great about writing, stop for a toilet break, and the loop starts running. Great times to be alive.

So how the fuck do I deal with that loop? It seemed impossible to break.

Well, first I had to acknowledge that there is no "soft" way of getting out of this. Meditation, taking a bath, or going for a walk? Nope. Here, i learned, a hard-reboot of the system is necessary, followed by introducing a new loop:

Dopamine Shortage -> Quick Physical Activity -> Environment Change -> A bit of Dopamin without the Internet -> Breathing.

Basically, I break the dopamine shortage immediately.

(Why this works neurologically):

When you are in a dopamine deficit, your brain's logic center (Prefrontal Cortex) goes offline, and the impulsive habit center takes over. Quick, intense physical activity (like push-ups or sprinting) forces blood flow back to the brain and triggers an immediate release of norepinephrine and dopamine. This "good" chemical hit satisfies the brain's craving just enough to bring your logic back online, effectively acting as a circuit breaker.

After the physical activity, I change the environment. Then, I give my system a little bit of dopamine, a game, TV, or a coffee break outside, to keep the car driving. Finally, I calm it all down with breathing exercises for two minutes.

And fucking hell, it works. It really breaks it. It does come back, but doing it again and again makes it better. I feel like I found a hack into my own system.

Man, at that point I thought - I got this. I figured this shit out. But of course, something like this has more layers, and it didn't resolve everything.

Treating the forbidden Fruit - Moral & Ethical Regulation

One morning, after having coffee and relaxing on the balcony, I felt genuinely calm. I walked to the dining table with my laptop and opened Reddit. Out of nowhere, my hands started to shake, my body flooded with adrenaline, and my heart started pounding like crazy.

I was like, what the fucking fuck is happening now?

My sneaky brain had created another loop in the background. In these desperate times, where I was starving it of the dopamine it was used to getting from years of high-speed internet and porn usage, it tried to activate a new trigger to get me to watch.

The loop goes like this:

Forbidden -> Excitement -> Porn -> Orgasm

At this point, I was like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. I was aware that forbidden things excited me, but I never figured out why. It was my brain again, weaponizing my own morals and ethics to get its fix. It used a very simple logic: "It's forbidden to watch porn on your laptop... isn't that exciting?"

It took me a second to understand what it was trying to do. But once I saw it, I realized that any blockers, or any attempt to hide things from my wife, because that is my default programming, would trigger this "forbidden" feeling.

The Science of "The Hunt"

Your brain isn't just looking for porn here; it's experiencing "Psychological Reactance" and "Excitation Transfer." When you lock something away, your brain assigns it higher value (Reactance).

The "shaking hands" and "pounding heart" is adrenaline. Neurochemically, the brain often struggles to tell the difference between the high arousal of fear (getting caught) and sexual arousal. By adding blockers and rules, I inadvertently turned my addiction into a "hunt." Breaking the lock provides a rush of dopamine and adrenaline that is almost as potent as the porn itself.

Basically, all blockers and device rules will eventually fail for me because the blockers just turned the addiction into a challenge. I understood that breaking the locks provided the stimulation I was craving.

I haven't found a perfect way to regulate this yet, to be very honest. This is something deep for me. I had to hide this for my entire life; it was always "forbidden," "wrong," "disgusting," "unethical."

I figured that anytime this feeling arises, I have to acknowledge it, calm it down, and stop hiding. Because even now, writing this on my laptop, I get this weird reflex to "hide it," even though I'm not doing anything wrong. I get this in random situations—like just watching a YouTube video on my phone. If someone walks behind me, I instinctively hide the screen. This obviously comes from the deep shame of using porn, which created this protective behavior to keep my secret.

So I need to re-programm my brain and introduce a new loop, that should be going something like this:

Brain: "Forbidden!" -> Acknowledge Brain's Desperation -> Confirm "Nothing to hide" -> Relax.

NGL, this one is the hardest for me personally. The shame is big regarding what I used to do, and I think it will take a while for me to get to a healthy point with this.

Cheers.