i'll ruin myself cuz of this unserious behaviour

hello fellow tards and seniors!!! this is a story about wasted potential of a 27tard

it'll be a long post so please bear with me... so it all started in 9th my parents enrolled me in Aakash coaching for 'JEE prep' but it turned out only to be a normal regular coaching for me atleast (fuck it) like there all of my presumably intelligent fellows also joined and they cleared RMO and appeared for INMO only during 10th itself and this is not smth that i boast about but all of us started THE VERY SAME DAY(in 9th)

my mistake in this?? i fell in love with a girl only during the orientation day itself and we locked eyes and yeah it felt dreamy to me like I felt it was very real, I used to see myself as a cool dude kind of personality so i thought it was my aura... and like we ended up in the same batch itself and like we did not talk until 3-4 months and then she stalked for me and sent me a request on insta and it was very cutesy... mind you over all this time my friends were working their ass of with olympiad preparations... and i thought it was crazy for them to be like this... fast forward both of our feelings were mutual and we started dating(ohh it was the best thing ever for me then) and there comes with it constant bullshit and emotional dumping and what not... while we're still in 9th itself... she left the coaching in 10th cuz her family thought it isn't worth the money(it wasn't) and she was actually very weak with her studies so that made sense...

and mann i was completely devastated that she had to leave aakash... like we still kept up with the relationship in 10th and i was just serious bout my boards and ntg else by then... even my parents got suspicious and snatched away my devices... it was kind of an online thing because my parents didn't allow me to have a rs ofc... and she kind of struggled with the emotional maturity and definitely I did too... maybe it was immature to call it 'obsession' or anything deep but it surely was... she was the best thing that has ever happened with me... she always used to support me in my lows and celebrated my highs as it was her own... we were very sure of each other to continue that bond over a lifetime and very real about the feelings... but the main issue was we couldn't see each other even after just staying <5kms apart... we tried many times and i was caught by my parents twice... thankgod there was ntg intimate it was just pure love between us... and yeah all of my colleagues focussed on their studies as their lives depended on it...

coming to 11th standard, i passed 10th with 99.2 percentage and kind of had acquired an ego about it(worst possible mistake)... also at the same time I've convinced her that we might be able to give time to each other cuz I would not be this much governed by my parents and we've grown together so that made sense... she chose commerce stream and i knew it beforehand itself... and I joined Allen offline center... also during the initial 3-4 months... my scores were pretty good like 10-15th rank(280+) among 900-1100 students in my phase and it was going good with her too aswell...

but the issue remained the same... we were kind of losing the emotional warmth and it was also becoming a heavy thing for me to manage my own time since I thought it would be going all easy for both of us then too...

then to the horror of my story... i had to take a drastic step for a break cuz my scores kept dropping (150s) and she understood that greatly aswell so I was grateful for her since we have decided to keep this bond for a lifetime... but after we rekindled it kept coming down like consistent mishaps kept happening but we still kept strong... but in the end it all came crashing down when she decided to end this all for once... since it was hurting her(well just not her but myself too i just did not know it)... and i was broken like a shattered glass... like I tried and tried worthlessly and without self respect to keep knocking on the door that was almost closed... (weird thing:- she wished me on my birthday even when we had broken up over bad terms, and told me once that she just cannot bear this for now and might would think about it after my JEE gets over) and also casually said she wishes that her next bf should not be JEE aspirant or anything related to that and even worse things but that's okay it was just to push me away since i was becoming way too desperate... eventually I had to step aside...

around all of this my prep kept getting worse... my mental health fucked up and I almost got addicted to NSFW things, became a fatass like hell (i've gained around 23 kgs within last 5 months) now that i've tried to keep working hard... started running and kept myself motivated towards my preparation... i've slowly started recovering too aswell and it's not like that i still not yearn for her, in the worse way possible... ik that's unhealthy for both me and my prep and idk why but my mind says to me that she will come back after JEE... after you get into an IIT and then it'll all be alright... ik that mindset and that kind of motivation is fucked up and i should not keep any hope of having her back in my life... but even if she unblocked me and called me for once while writing this, i'll forgive her and forget everything that she has called me names, and disrespected me beyond repair and apologies... and i'll keep falling for her and she'll keep falling for me... ik this might sound crazy but i still have vivid dreams of her in the most beautiful ways possible... us reconcilling after maybe an year or so... me holding her hand... and all of that...

i need to get out of this crap mindset and become a person with an invincible belief who'll respect her even if she tries to come back and at the same time make her taste her own medicine after JEE and to keep a stable mind during the prep

currently standing with 220+ in mocks and ready to take on this challenge and maybe keep striving over the idea of her love... maybe... maybe not...

if anyone who has been through something similar please share ur story and how did you cope up with this. raw and genuine constructive advices are always welcome...

thank you so much for reading this... i'll make my parents proud...

TLDR:- ranting about losing a longtime relationship and associated trauma during JEE prep, asking for creative suggestions and advices for the same...