Don’t know what to do anymore

Ex broke up with me after finding me masturbating in her shower which led to a whole 2 weeks of arguing between the both of us. A lot of it was her sending me screenshots of the websites I was looking at, telling me that she hated me, and she wished she never met me. A lot of this was jarring and honestly unexpected, especially since the week before was completely normal and chill. We were close and like best friends, doing almost everything together and I genuinely had never felt so close to another person. A lot of what she said still hurts, even though she had apologized after and told me she didn’t mean any of it. The first argument over text led to a suicide attempt but our final conversation in person is what put me in the hospital. I didn’t want her to know so I told my family not to tell her I was admitted so she wouldn’t blame herself. What I didn’t realize was that after our last conversation, she kept on trying to reach out to me but obviously, I had no way of knowing and my family kept on making excuses until finally I needed to tell her where I was. Now, it’s been 5 months since then and I still miss her, despite everything that happened. I wasn’t perfect and there were a lot of times where I would get jealous and insecure, now I’m just filled with regret and thinking about all the things I could’ve done instead. It’s hard trying to tell yourself that you shouldn’t die when everything feels so hopeless but I’m also trying to learn how to be happy with myself. Not exactly asking for sympathy from her or anyone exactly, I hate asking for help, I just want to hear her voice again.